whiteworks
Custom Shutters by WhiteWorks
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2007
- Messages
- 15,931
- Reaction score
- 11,327
China Buffet - Lake Havasu City AZ
So you ever do something that you know is stupid.. but you talk yourself into it anyways?
So we leave the house in search of a prime rib, some raw horse radish, baked potato, maybe some salad.. I'm starving and even put on the "stretchy" pants because I plan on filling up, big time.. And much like an RDP thread, we changed the course before we left the driveway.
So Stacy's googling and doing the yelp reviews and we are driving down mcculloch.. My stomach is churning and I'm getting hungry, when she finds some good reviews on this golden something or another buffet.. It should be noted this is not where we ate, but it did in fact plant the seed of "buffet."
We get down to the london bridge area and I pull into the China Buffet.. Now I know what your thinking. Dave a chinese buffet in Havasu? Really?
Stacy is sitting there saying "fuck that" and I tell her, "c'mon now Stacy.. I didn't eat at the chinese place in Parker for 30 years because of thinking like that and we just recently found out in the last 2 years it's really good."
That and I'm thinking well Havasu is about 20 years behind CA in most everything so I'm thinking back of the old chinese buffet's back in the day that used to be awesome.. So maybe this will be a throw back to one of those? So I sell her, or more to the point I sell myself on the idea and we go in.
I'm telling Stacy I got the stretchy pants on and she's gonna have to roll me out of this joint. All you can eat eggrolls? sweet and sour Pork!! R U kidding me?
So we sit down order drinks, and I make my way to the booofffaayyy.. 1st buffet is looking a little rough.. but fuck it. Load up plate # 1 and drop it off. STacy goes to stand up and I say "no no... I'll be back" and load up plate # 2. She goes to get herself some food and I probably look like Charlie Sheen with an unlimited supply of coke in front of him. Face just burried in the plate..
Eggroll's suck.. That's alright just dip it in some of this red shit and it's better. Then dip it in this hot mustard and alternate. Next fried mystery meat.. Fuck it, just dip it in the same shit. I clear plate # 1 when she rolls back, and am on Plate # 2. She takes a couple bites and is like "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I tell her "don't worry about it just dip it in that shit, it'll taste better.. we're here now"
So I get about 1/2 way through plate #2 and I gotta admit some of this stuff is literally mystery meat. It said "chicken" but then you find a shrimp tail in there.. Non stop, this is the epitome of the buffet in the movie Vegas Vacation. I can't take it anymore this sux.. I mean it fucking sux.. Stacy is choking this shit down and not thrilled. I say to myself "it's impossible to fuck up chinese soup." I'll go get some of that and we are outta here..
The hot and sour looked rough.. The egg flower everyone had scooped all the guts out of it so it was just broth.. Which brings me to Egg drop soup. Pretty sure I've had this shit somewhere else and liked it so we'll try that. This stuff has the consistency of 30WT. It is literally yellow oil with butter and some white shit in it. I should've known better.
I get about 1/2 way through this oily mess and I'm thinking of all the industrial lubricating applications you could use this for.. Gear Oil's, way lube for machining.. All the while never imagining what comes next with this "Slick 50" concoction.. You'd think you would at least make it home.
I'm kinda bitter so I go outside to have a cigarette while we are waiting for this slow ass fucking waiter to bring us the check so we can get out of here never to return.. Or so I thought?
The phone rings.. I don't even want to put the guys name in this review because I'd hate to associate him with the negative connotation of what happens next.. Let's just say we're talking about Dessert Storm and some of it's intricacies, when all of a sudden... "I'm gonna have to call you back Jim!" My face goes pale, the sweat begins to bead on my forehead and we have seconds, not minutes.. I open the door to this place that I swore I'd never step foot into again.. Quick scan and off to the right I see "womens" there's gotta be a mens back there somewhere..
As I sprint past the cashier and make a right all I can think is.. "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I hope there is nobody in there, because we are at Defcon 2 right now!!!" I kick open the door to the stall hard enough that even if there was somebody in there it would have broken the lock...
Now before I go any further I want you pudwhackers to know I'm swallowing a lot of dignity right now not only for your entertainment, but because I feel the general health warning not to eat at this fucking place is that important.
I RUN to the back of the stall, and good thing I got my jimmy shoes because I'd likely end up with another broken arm wearing flips.. I hit that toilet at full speed and.... I MADE IT!! Or so I thought.. As I slid on in, not even worrying about personal hygene at this point, the toilet seat moves as if it was sitting on a block of ice or perhaps on a cushion of that slick 50 soup I had earlier.. not sure which is slicker.
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!! There are explosions happening beneath me, the god damn seat is sliding around and I'm feeling like that cartoon monkey on the banana peel. Left! Right!! LEFT!!! OOOOHHH SHIT!! Off we go.
The only real justice to come out of all this is when I landed on my side along with the thud I heard a "SPLAT" on the wall behind me. So here I lie on the floor of the bathroom... In a chinese buffet no less wondering how many diseases I just caught that we don't even have names for in the states. So this is what the "low point" feels like.
I'm spooling the 80 grit out as fast as it will go, and I ponder if that eggdrop/slick 50 soup would cure the squeaky toilet paper roll holder. I'm sure it would. Somehow someway I managed to make it through this nightmare "somewhat" unscathed.. I'm cleaning up as best I can and Stacy is texting me "Where R U?" I'm trying to text her back, but I got bigger issues so the conversation is short.. She is laughing her ass off (for now...) in the booth at my misfortune, with the I told you so's..
I look at this scene and realize, this isn't a job for toilet paper.. They are gonna need some industrial shit to clean this up. Point in fact might just want to burn this part of the building down, so I roll out of there, calm and collected like nothing happened. Grab the wife and baby and we begin our journey home. (Oh no it's not over yet.. We are gonna sacrifice some of the wife's dignity here too)
We are in the car and she is laughing hysterically and what just transpired. We make it to the edge of the parking lot and all of a sudden "The Look." Who's laughing now? She starts gagging, and it's pretty self evident she's gonna puke. In between her laughing and gagging she's motioning for me to pull over.. Which I do 3 more times.. Now there are tears.
She's gagging and saying "I'm gonna pee if I throw up." We pull over several times and she's kinda coughing up some shit that might be some of that mystery meat I dunno, but not really throwing up. We make it all the way to the driveway and she's scrambling, but eventually succumbs as well.
Grabs one of Baby Sierra's sweatshirts and proceeds to puke in it, and much to my satisfaction for laughing at me the whole time, pee'd herself..
So here's what I would say.. Don't eat at the China Buffet by the London Bridge.. Unless you have some guests you really don't like. If you don't like them, let em fill up on dog meat, then suggest some 30wt, better known as Egg Drop Soup. When they are done go next door to Del Taco and you'll be better off.
After the shower, I literally felt like something Toxic was still inside me and I had to sleep it off for a couple of hours. Which was the reason for the delay.
Long story short I didn't shit myself.. but I spackled.. scratch that painted there bathroom, and that my friends is justice.
RD
Son of a bitch that was funny, thanks for the laugh
