Youngest son got in a fight yesterday...

[Cray Paper]

Long story short, my youngest son is 17YO now and got in a fight yesterday. I am divorced and through an extreme effort by my sons mother have have had little parenting influencing of my 2 sons since.

I was informed by my ex last night after I went to bed that my youngest got in a fight at school. I texted my Ex and kid when I got to work around 5:00 am this morning asking what happened. My kids explanation is, in my opinion, that he pestered a close friend / teammate of the last 6 years to the point that he snapped and punched my kid in the mouth. My kid took the punch, then antagonized the kid again and when the kid tried to grab / punch him again my kid knocked him out and gave him a black eye. and the fight was over. They both got the boot for a day from school, but my kids response was I get straight A's and haven't been in trouble before so he got the benefit of the doubt. He is full of testosterone right now and is semi obnoxious but I know it's just part of growing up.

I am torn, fighting is a right of passage for young men in my life experience (53 yo) but wish my kid would have chosen something more substantial to get in to fisticuffs over than throwing fruit at someone in the lunch room.
My kids mom is an enabler and has a fistful of excuses for the incident, and my wife is the opposite and really upset at my son as it appears that he is the bully in this situation.

I am grateful he didn't hurt the other kid, didn't get his ass kicked or broken his right hand.

Anyone else dealt with a situation like this with your son and have some parenting advise?

 

[monkeyswrench]

Well, I'd have to say in high school I never threw a punch at a good friend. I did, however, almost come to blows with a guy that became my best friend. I think teen testosterone just does some weird stuff.

This was also 30 years ago. I haven't a clue what the current dynamic is. My youngest is a football kid now, and done some shoving, but the next week they'll be hanging out sharing whatever snacks or drinks they have.

 

[n2otoofast4u]

Lord, I was in a bigger scrap than that in Mexico a few weeks back. It’s a few punches, a fat lip or a black eye. Everyone learned where the boundaries are and everyone moves along.

 

[Desert Whaler]

Tell him, "Good Job, but you better apologize to your Mom or I'll beat your ass, she thinks you're a bully".

 

[Cray Paper]

My ex doesn't think it's anything to be concerned with, (enabler as long as she gets attention). My wife (didn't grow up with a silver spoon and is all about fairness which I totally understand) is really bothered by my sons aggressive antics lately . She raised her son who is now in his mid 20's and very polite, and soft spoken.
I am struggling with it because at that age I was much more rowdier than either of them could comprehend. Just trying to be a better father than I had at that age and want my son o be a better person. He is way smarter than I was at his age and a much better athlete and his future is really bright.

 

[monkeyswrench]

One "tiff" that got out of hand I wouldn't think is too much to worry about. If it were an ongoing pattern, that is another story.

Your wife's son and your own are two totally different individuals. Nature and nurture for both have been different. I grew up in the same household as my brother. No significant differences in upbringing, yet we are quite the opposites. Even with my own two teenage boys, you can really find little the two share in common. The two boys, yours and your wife's, will act differently just because they are two separate kids.

 

[HOOTER SLED-]

Sound like he needs to get his ass kicked himself.....it will come.

 

[was thatguy]

Just my take.
He’s lashing out and needs some hands on parenting.
When I was in HS my friends and I taught each other respect.
From your account, I agree with you, he pushed his buddy into a reaction…twice.
It’s going to get worse unfortunately unless you can reach him.

 

[troostr]

Back in Oct. my 17 yr old was at a football team dinner. He was joking around with a kid on the team (pretty troubled past come to find out later) and my boy just ended up pushing all the wrong buttons on this kid. He shoved my boy a little and said knock it off, My big ox of a kid shoves him back, the kid hits the ground and mine says, "wanna take this outside?" Kid gets up, now a bunch of the other players are egging on a fight, that kid says, "let's go" and my boy follows him out still thinking this is a big joke. My kid gets outside, turns around and the other kid clocks him square in the jaw. Now my is like WTF and blasts the other kid, dotting his eyes. I get a call from my son, "hey dad, I was messing around, me and Jathan got into a little fight. I think something is wrong with my jaw though." Ended up in the ER, broken jaw in 2 spots, headed to El Paso for surgery, plates and screws, no wire. My kid ate dinner from a blender for 2 weeks. All a lesson learned in FAFO.

 

[Long Way Home]

My only thought is he needs after school activity I would enroll him in some martial arts class. He would learn discipline respect and get rid of that extra energy that he has , that’s my two cents .

 

[CLdrinker]

Wait your kid created the problem? Thats shity.

I was raised to finish the problem not start it.

 

[River Runnin]

Sounds like your bully needs a good Ass whooping!

 

[LuauLounge]

Well, he 100% owned up to it, so that's a big plus. Sounds like a discussion will go a long way. Things in/around school are so different than they were 35 years ago. Fighting is not acceptable on any level.

 

[rivrrts429]

Am I the only one that thinks this is just teenage boy shit?

I fought my best friend. We grew up together and we’re more brothers than friends. In fact we live next door to each other today after thirty years of friendship lol

Teens more times than not will regulate themselves better than any influence adults can. Stay close to the situation and give it some time for the boys to work it out themselves. If it continues to escalate then the adults can swoop in.

 

[Joe mama]

This shit always happens in knitting class.

 

[zhandfull]

Well, my 15 year old grandson was in a few fights here and there throughout junior high and high school. Most of them weren’t even his fights to begin with. The last fight he was shot and killed.

There is a lot of young kids carrying now days. Sign of the times I guess. When your young you tend to think it will never happen to you. Feel free to sit him down and use this terrible story to hopefully educate him.

 

[hman442]

Wow, that makes it real in a hurry. What a horrific thing for you and yours to have to live through. What a life changing loss!
As you mentioned, sharing the potential repercussions with the OPs son, whether it's a jaw wired shut, a lawsuit, or death, as those are are potential realities, might go a long ways to open the sons eyes. And just a good talk/listen session will likely & hopefully help.
Yes, with the limited details we have, the OPs story sort of sounds like it could be "boys will be boys", but he still needs a sit down to try to get at the why, especially since in this day and age, it could end in death.

 

[Western Flyer]

Just my take.
He’s lashing out and needs some hands on parenting.
When I was in HS my friends and I taught each other respect.
From your account, I agree with you, he pushed his buddy into a reaction…twice.
It’s going to get worse unfortunately unless you can reach him.

This^. I could have used this at 17 as well.

 

[Aces & Eights]

It seems to me that your kid was in the wrong here. That’s ok, no one’s perfect, but take this opportunity to give him some guidance and help him avoid this type of behavior going forward.

If it were me I’d ask my kid to take 24 hours and give this incident some serious thought and then share that with me. You should have some points there to make with him about various aspects about growing up from a kid and turning into a man, ie learning from your mistakes, respect, knowing boundaries etc…

 

[spectras only]

My son was involved in martial art until he was 18. Had black belt, none of his classmates knew about it, only his best friend. He kept his cool all those times, or it would have been egging him to fights. I told him try staying away confrontation, it's not worth it. It's typical nature of young guys to gage each other who is better. Known a young guy who was involved in a lot of tournaments, as he was well known for his skills, was drawn into fights often, which he came out winning. How ever, he had to change schools several times, teachers were soft then to, even if it was a small fight. When I was young, we had a lot of school fights, usually carried out behind school yards. I was sparring regularly with my older brother [ 17 yrs older ] who was a bad ass in the air force, it gave me lot of confidence getting into fights. One time got sucker punched into my stomach I never forget. He apologized quickly. knowing I would retaliate once I catch my breath. I hated cowards that use sucker punch someone over a minor discussion.
Cray, get your kid involved in martial arts, it will teach him self discipline. Drafted in the army, without discipline, I could have tried killing some of my superiors playing the power trip over me.

 

[stephenkatsea]

If I read this correctly, you explained your son had been taunting a friend, who was also a team mate, for 6 years, That's kinda F'd up. Then taunted his friend/team mate to the point the kid smacked him. Your son opted to continue taunting his friend, when his friend tried to grab him, your son 'knocked him out' (really? like unconscious). That's totally F'd up. Your son has problems. He needs his ass royally kicked. If he keeps it up, that will happen. Hopefully, without any weapons involved.

 

[Cray Paper]

Sound like he needs to get his ass kicked himself.....it will come.

I thought the same at first but after talking to him at length today, sounded like the kid needed an attitude adjustment, and got it. I say that, but my kid should have given the other kid a much more direct conversation / warning before doing what my kid did. My kid had determined this kid ( bigger than him) had made my kid the center of his jokes for the last month in their ("friend group?) and relished in the attention his whit brought him. at the expense of my son. My son felt he had shown his displeasure of this physically by not laughing after the first couple of jokes, trying to deflect etc. Passive aggressive actions and I explained to him some people are to stupid or egotistical to understand when they are crossing lines they are not physically capable of backing up. But, for these types of people you have to spell it out for them in no uncertain terms.

I told my kid about the fights I have been in, and what it feels like when you wake up the next morning, the risk involved with fighting and the importance of not doing it unless it's necessary. It is necessary sometimes, but all efforts should be put forth until it its obvious there isn't another choice.

 

[Cray Paper]

I thought the same at first but after talking to him at length today, sounded like the kid needed an attitude adjustment, and got it. I say that, but my kid should have given the other kid a much more direct conversation / warning before doing what my kid did. My kid had determined this kid ( bigger than him) had made my kid the center of his jokes for the last month in their ("friend group?) and relished in the attention his whit brought him. at the expense of my son. My son felt he had shown his displeasure of this physically by not laughing after the first couple of jokes, trying to deflect etc. Passive aggressive actions and I explained to him some people are to stupid or egotistical to understand when they are crossing lines they are not physically capable of backing up. But, for these types of people you have to spell it out for them in no uncertain terms.

I told my kid about the fights I have been in, and what it feels like when you wake up the next morning, the risk involved with fighting and the importance of not doing it unless it's necessary. It is necessary sometimes, but all efforts should be put forth until it its obvious there isn't another choice.

If I read this correctly, you explained your son had been taunting a friend, who was also a team mate, for 6 years, That's kinda F'd up. Then taunted his friend/team mate to the point the kid smacked him. Your son opted to continue taunting his friend, when his friend tried to grab him, your son 'knocked him out' (really? like unconscious). That's totally F'd up. Your son has problems. He needs his ass royally kicked. If he keeps it up, that will happen. Hopefully, without any weapons involved.

I just relayed what I had heard at that point in time and probably shared to much with out talking face to face with my kid, I read between the lines of my ex. That is on me, and I take full ownership of that. My sons are really good kids, and when I had influence on them I stressed that they would be much more physically larger and stronger than other kids and that they should use that to to protect kids that are being picked on and if they were picked on feel free to take the ass hole to task.

Yes my youngest son pushed the other kid in to a situation they both couldn't come back from without a physical altercation but my kid did it in a fashion that made total sense after he explained it at length to me. I feel justified by my approach and discussion with my son today as the in school suspension administrator is an Ex marine and told my my son the same things. He should have told the other kid in private that he didn't appreciate being picked on for a couple of months and asked him to stop. Only thing I fault my son for was not pulling the other kid aside and having a very direct conversation with him about his actions. That's easy to say at my age. I am willing to bet the other kid learned a much more in-depth life lesson that my kid gave him.