When is enough enough?

[guest hs]

As some of you know my Mom has been sick most of the year lying either in a hospital or a nursing facility. She had her left leg amputated above the knee about a month ago and entered an assisted living facility. Now she went back in the hospital a few days ago for blood clots. She was going to start physical therapy a week ago and the therapist was concerned that she was not thriving in the environment she was in. Little does this little pipsqueck know, the place she was in was the only place she could afford and was a facility the hospital recommended . I even took my Mother-in-law by the place to get her opinion before we reserved it and she said it was a good place. So the Physical Therapist files a complaint with Protective Services. Now the facility thinks that we filed the complaint and now she may have no where else to go. On top of all that my Mom is not being honest with me about things that are going on and keeps trying to manipulate myself her friends and the care givers. Today I had to get in her ass about it and I don’t like having to do that with anyone especially my parents or elderly people I have always been told to show 100% respect to others and bite your tongue to avoid a conflict. I’m just at my wits end with this entire situation. Have any of you guys ever had these kind of problems with your parents when they get older in life and how did you handle it.

 

[lbhsbz]

There comes a point when you need to take charge and be blunt. Only you know when that point is, but know that it will need to happen.

 

[Mandelon]

I was "lucky" that my folks passed quickly when they did. Dealing with this is so difficult. You have my sympathy.

When it comes time to take charge, just handle it and tell her how it will be.

 

[bilz]

Going through this with my in laws although not as severe. I feel for your situation as my dad suffered from dementia. As stated above, you'll know when it is right and you'll do what needs to be done. My wife is starting to take charge. It's tough pushing back on your parents, but it needs to be done. Stay tough, you are acting in her best interest.

 

[HNL2LHC]

OMG Sorry to hear of the struggles. The wife and I have 8 parents including step parents in our lives. They are all about the same age and are starting to pass away. They are making it really hard. Some might know that my wife struggles a little after brain surgery to remove a tumor. All that said the pressure on me is rather high. As noted by others do what you can and then at some point you have to do what is best for you, wife and immediate family. Best of luck it is not easy

 

[Flying_Lavey]

Were going through this with my Grandma and we went through it with my Grandpa before he passed. Fortunately my mom is retired and my parents only live across town from them so my mom has been able to essentially make taking care of them and their affairs her full time job. It is not easy.

There comes a point in the life cycle when the responsibility of care will shift to the children for the parents. When that occurs, the children essentially need to parent the parents and a stern parenting style is what is needed. Also, make sure you have all the legal issues straight first. Where you make the medical and financial decisions. If not, the parents could take the firm hand the wrong way, get really upset and push you, their help away which makes the situation that much worse.

 

[River Runnin]

We took care of My wifes folks, my mom and Grand mother (over 10 years) and let them pass where they wanted! .... At Home!

 

[rrrr]

Sorry namba. End of life care for a parent can be overwhelming. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[DLC]

You just need to step up and take control

let her know how things will go but do it softly, respectful but also firm.

my dad lives with us and he is 78 and has Alzheimer's, he thinks he can do what he wants and when caught pretend it didn’t happen..... he is forgetful but also sneaky !

 

[cole_skier]

It is tough my friend. I had to have a few tough conversations with both my Mother and Father over the last year and a half. In the end it all worked out, but it wasn’t fun.


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[jetboatperformance]

I feel your pain parents have both passed over the last few years , Absolutly hated the place they were at (rest home) , found it down right creepy and always smelled of "waste" , every time I would see the old man ( dementia) he would ask me the same question over and over . He was a fan of bolo ties and wore the entiire collection at the same time because he thought the nurses would swipe them , Mom had stroked out and was a zombie with a smile ... very depressing

 

[petie6464]

Yes, my mother is in assisted living currently. Its a battle but one worth the fight. All I can say is your constant interaction and presence there is what matters, for your loved one and to keep a constant eye on the conditions and people.

My thoughts go out to you, its a difficult course to travel.

 

[Taboma]

Been 26 years since my wife and I battled this out on my father's behalf. Half the time fighting to get him the proper care and confirming he was getting it and the other half, fighting with him, because he was not happy about our reversal of roles.
I think we did an amazing job, he'd swear we were trying to make his life miserable and slowly kill him.
We had him in an amazing place close to our home, we had to clean up unspeakable messes daily ourselves to keep him from getting booted out.
Those places fear the state health inspectors and if you don't adhere to their standards, you're out.

He'd call and claim he wasn't being fed, we'd drive over and check the meal logs, even talk to some of the other neighbors --- yup, he never missed a meal and good meals too. He'd just simply forgot.
He'd call, he was too hot, too cold, I'd drive over and find he had fucked with the T-stat and had it 180 degrees from where it should have been --- I superglued the damned thing stationary !!!!!!!
He showed his attendants and neighbors pictures of his car and house and tell them we STOLE them from him. We had him a five star facility and he'd swear he was in Alcatraz.

I was in the middle of a Coca Cola plant weekend shut-down in Anaheim, hadn't slept in 28 hours, my wife called from San Diego saying he'd just got kicked out of a previous skilled nursing facility (He'd had a bad fall) because he threw the bedpan full of urine on the attendants because they'd tried to restrain him --- against my written orders, DO NOT attempt to restrain him -- FUCK ME. So I drove down and we got him moved that afternoon, fortunately I'd planned ahead, always had to have a back up with him.

I wish you all the luck in the world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you all the patience in the world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It can be a life altering experience, ahhh hell, can be my ass, it flat is life altering. There's amazing moments when you get a loving smile and feel for a moment your efforts are understood and appreciated, then heartbreak, when you feel despite so much effort, nothing you can do will please him, her, or them, you're still just that idiot 13 year old.

Now, I'm creeping up towards "That Age", now I find myself thinking how I don't want to put my kids through that and you find yourself thinking Now what ??

 

[Mike K]

My mom has been in assisted living for 2 years.
It costs $6450 a month.
The facility is noted as one of the best.
... the truth ? This facility is run by a huge corporation.
This company saves money at every opportunity ... mainly in the quality of the labor it takes to service the residents.
I would guess ... probably 30% are illegal aliens and the other 70% barely speak English.
There are few workers that really care about the elderly ... and that can actually happen when they first start their employment.... BUT ... the company is all over the management to cut costs ... and their clients are barely able to communicate with family “because of Covid” .
Even getting staff to answer the phone ... or return medical calls is “iffy” at best.
It is so unbelievable to know my Mom is doing “ heaven knows what.”
My advice to you ... based on personal experience ... is to make physical contact with management ... wear a shirt and tie and act like an executive ... show up and have a discussion with the “Director” or “Manager” and make your voice heard. The only way you will ever get a response is to have then think you may have some clout. Yeah... I know ....it’s not fair ... I am telling you the truth.
Showing up on person ...with the physical look of power and influence worked wonders for me ... yeah I know ... but it will get you the desired results.
Good luck ... I hate this business .

 

[monkeyswrench]

Ok, here's all I can add/say. I am no help in terms of the dealing with the management if the caregivers. I was just honest with them, no more, no less. Pops' last days were in a nursing facility. He was 64, kind of a rapid onset dementia... I saw kind of a vindictive side to him I never knew possible, and also a manipulative mindset as well. Nurse would call me, saying he wouldn't take his meds, combative, angry. Mind you, only 64, and had always done manual labor...a nurse didn't stand a chance. I'd drop iron and head over. Lose time on jobsites, productivity...my wits. Most times, it was just to see if I would come. Maybe a way to see if he was in charge still, or maybe a fear of being alone. It came to a point when I told him I would come by before dinnertime each day. Once that was set, he seemed to settle into that routine...but he only stayed around a week or two after

 

[Flying_Lavey]

I feel your pain parents have both passed over the last few years , Absolutly hated the place they were at (rest home) , found it down right creepy and always smelled of "waste" , every time I would see the old man ( dementia) he would ask me the same question over and over . He was a fan of bolo ties and wore the entiire collection at the same time because he thought the nurses would swipe them , Mom had stroked out and was a zombie with a smile ... very depressing

They weren't at Bella Vista in SLO were they? That sounds like that place.

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[rivermobster]

My mom passed in a hospital from cancer, so I didn't have to go through what your going through with her.

My dad passed at home. He had a caregiver, who wasn't there at the time.

After he passed, that's when the real fun started. The caregiver came up with a will that said my dad left everything to him.

Stay close to your mom. Sounds like she won't be around much longer.

 

[jetboatperformance]

They weren't at Bella Vista in SLO were they? That sounds like that place.

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