Ok I’m really not a good person

[H20 Toie]

Always have thought that I’m good overall
But mom called me tonight during the game and I have had a few
Granted she won’t remember the conversation tomorrow but I just decided to go with it
Actually few people have said that agreeing is better than telling the truth
Just feel like a slime ball now
just hard to figure out where her thought process is
Told her we would find out who kidnapped her and bring her back safely
My aunt was going to untie her
Just bizarre how things can go south so quick

 

[rivermobster]

Gawd what a tough situation.

 

[fat rat]

Tuff situation….hang in there and do your best for her!

 

[bilz]

As long as you know she is safe, you just do whatever works. Every situation will be different. Don't beat yourself up.
My dad suffered from dementia. He chased my mom into the bathroom. His arm was pinned in the door. As he was pushing me and about to break the door, I told my son to call 911 and be sure to explain it all. LASD arrived, the first deputy really wanted to kick my ass as he pulled me from my dad. My dad was bleeding from where his glasses cut him. As the fire paramedic was walking in, I handed him a list of meds. Minutes later he came out and calmed the deputy and said it all checked out.
My mom confirmed it all, but that was the closest I've ever been to going to jail. My son was terrified. One if the toughest days in our families lives.
Hang in there, no right or wrong, just be in it for her.
Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Desert Whaler]

My Pops is 91 . . . still sharp all things considered, but he has his moments.
He'll get it in his mind that something was/ is a certain way . . . and being the typical Son, my 1st reaction is to correct him.
But I've been around enough old folks (including my Grandma who had severe demetia) and have learned that it's best to just go along with it.
In a matter of minutes, or seconds, the subject changes and we're back to 'all systems normal'.
This may be easier said than done . . . but if nothing else, it's good to have in the back of your mind . . . it takes some stress off.
I think it benefits both parties as well.

Hang in there Dan . . . You're a good dude, and your Mom is very fortunate to have a Son like you.

 

[CarolynandBob]

Always have thought that I’m good overall
But mom called me tonight during the game and I have had a few
Granted she won’t remember the conversation tomorrow but I just decided to go with it
Actually few people have said that agreeing is better than telling the truth
Just feel like a slime ball now
just hard to figure out where her thought process is
Told her we would find out who kidnapped her and bring her back safely
My aunt was going to untie her
Just bizarre how things can go south so quick

Sorry to hear. You are good overall, just dealing with a tough situation.

I believe my mom is heading in this direction. I hope not, but the signs are there.

 

[Markus]

Hang in there!

 

[monkeyswrench]

Before Pops passed, he started to slip, big time. I "agreed" with him on some things, to please him and calm him down. I'm not small, or frail by any means. Pops could have shredded me until his last days, 6'2", 240 and 50 years of manual labor...yes, it had gotten bad once. It was easier on everyone involved for me to go along. As you said Dan, the world view she has will change after she sleeps again. Some days will be good, and some horrible. Some may make you cry now, but oddly enough, may make you chuckle to yourself years down the road.

 

[BabyRay]

Yeah, it can be difficult. My brother has dementia, likely caused by the 3 or 4 TIA’s he’s had. I watch football with him, take him to lunch, or just visit him at least once a week, and it’s like Groundhogs Day, because I hear the same stories repeatedly. He has very little short term memory, and he had some tough experiences in Vietnam, so his stories are mostly about things like taking an outdoor shower when suddenly tracers are flying within inches, multiple RPG’s knocking him down but miraculously not seriously physically injuring him, and so on. I’ve probably heard each story 200 times over the past 5 years, but I keep listening as though it’s a new story, never reminding him that he’s told it before.

The saddest part is that he knows this is happening to him, and I’m sure that’s a bit frightening. On Saturday, he called to ask if we were going to watch the Super Bowl. I was amazed he remembered it, until he mentioned that he’d written a note to remind himself about the game. What he didn’t recall was that we had gone to lunch on Thursday and discussed football at length, including plans to watch the game. As he says, he’s fucked.

 

[Ziggy]

One day at a time Dan & I'm sorry you have to watch your mom go through it.
Your posts are triggering flashbacks for me. My dad had really tough days which led to some tough days for my family. It's hard to bite your tongue when they have those days/moments......especially as outrageous as they might be.

 

[Dan Lorenze]

I went through this exact situation with my Mom... It's pretty frustrating to deal with and I felt really bad for her. For years I would try to enlighten her that the scenarios she spoke of were not reality and I would tell her that her brain is playing "tricks" on her, it used to work for a while. But as the dementia set in she couldn't come to reality anymore and often times get mad at me and call me a liar. So I began to just play along. She passed away in September, I can honestly say that I'm happy for her that she finally gets to move on and leave her broken down body behind her and she is finally free..

 

[jeteater1]

Hang in there man . The last weeks of my wifes life were terrible. Stay strong.

 

[coolchange]

Yeah, it can be difficult. My brother has dementia, likely caused by the 3 or 4 TIA’s he’s had. I watch football with him, take him to lunch, or just visit him at least once a week, and it’s like Groundhogs Day, because I hear the same stories repeatedly. He has very little short term memory, and he had some tough experiences in Vietnam, so his stories are mostly about things like taking an outdoor shower when suddenly tracers are flying within inches, multiple RPG’s knocking him down but miraculously not seriously physically injuring him, and so on. I’ve probably heard each story 200 times over the past 5 years, but I keep listening as though it’s a new story, never reminding him that he’s told it before.

The saddest part is that he knows this is happening to him, and I’m sure that’s a bit frightening. On Saturday, he called to ask if we were going to watch the Super Bowl. I was amazed he remembered it, until he mentioned that he’d written a note to remind himself about the game. What he didn’t recall was that we had gone to lunch on Thursday and discussed football at length, including plans to watch the game. As he says, he’s fucked.

You’re a great brother.

 

[sintax]

man i feel your pain.

my grandmother (past last year) was going through this for the last 5 or so years of her life. She lived alone, my mom was her psudo-caretaker i guess. She'd go over there 3-4 times a week, make sure she had food and everything she needed. The last few years though, i'd get these random ass phone calls from her, saying my mom was trying to kill her, that my dad was locked up in prison for beating up my mom, that she wanted to make me director of her non-profit trust, all sorts of wild shit.

I went through different stages myself with this from trying to explain to her thats not true, kinda laughing it off, to playing along, to denying it to her, and everything in between. At the end of the day, I realized that its 110% reality in her head, theres no amount of logic or reason that will help sort things out.

I know you have her in a care facility, and thats the best thing for her. It doesnt make it any easier for you though. I think you just have to feel it out for yourself, if it causes her less stress and anxiety to fib a bit to her, maybe thats best. Thats kind of how I lived with it i guess...

good luck

 

[rrrr]

Don't be hard on yourself. Occasionally the frustration and fear of the future will strip away your ability to deal with your mom on that particular day. Last week, my 70 year old sister was driving 89.9 year old Dad from Albuquerque to Denver to visit my younger brother. Dad went into tilt somewhere between Walsenberg and Pueblo, and my sis gave up on the day and got a motel room im Colorado Springs for the night.

Dad was arguing with her for over an hour in the room about nonsense. Then he went into the bathroom and closed the door. After 20 minutes, she checked and found him asleep on the floor. She got him in bed, and the next morning they checked out and made it to Denver.

By the time they got to my brother's house, Dad had completely forgotten about the previous day. He didn't remember leaving Albuquerque, being on the road, the motel... nothing. He didn't know they were in Colorado, and couldn't understand how they had appeared at bro's house.

Since that episode, he's been completely normal. They're back home.

The upshot is that this is placing a terrible burden on my sister. She's still extremely upset. So I have a window into what you're going through, and I know it's not easy. Try to let it slide, try to keep your equilibrium. You'll be OK.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[H20 Toie]

Its really eye opening how many people here have been dealing with stuff like this, guess it not something that people talk about.
i get that its a boating website and all fun and games but really makes me think how many people are dealing with crazy stuff that we don't even think about. We see the pics of out on the lake and envy them but don't think of the reality of what some people are going thru,
I really appreciate the support. its one of those things that always knew could happen just wasn't expecting it so fast. it hasn't even been a year since i drove back to north dakota and she was living by herself and driving.

 

[C_J_J_C]

Always have thought that I’m good overall
But mom called me tonight during the game and I have had a few
Granted she won’t remember the conversation tomorrow but I just decided to go with it
Actually few people have said that agreeing is better than telling the truth
Just feel like a slime ball now
just hard to figure out where her thought process is
Told her we would find out who kidnapped her and bring her back safely
My aunt was going to untie her
Just bizarre how things can go south so quick

Absolutely nothing you said is on slime ball level. 100% (Unless it is a safety issue) go with it.

I had a very hard time with not correcting or arguing with my father about things that didn't happen and I went to a counselor who asked me why I was arguing against reality. I started to argue with the councilor until I realized he was trying to get me to realize is whatever my father said or thought was HIS REALITY. My dad didn't talk to his mother (Deceased 20 years), he didn't see his cousins (Live out of state and hadn't visited), and he didn't drive his truck (Sold a year earlier) but in his mind he did and LET THEN HAVE IT.

You are not a slimeball as long as you try and you keep answering the phone.

 

[RiverDave]

My mother has memory problems, and honestly she's making some choices that raise the hairs on the back of my neck.. I used to get so fucking pissed and I'd try to talk it out with her etc.. Now I'm pretty much of the opinion to just let it ride, and make sure the home owners insurance is paid. It isn't worth spending the last few years arguing with her about shit that ultimately isn't gonna matter.

RD

 

[jetboatperformance]

Every day is precious and a gift , I used to call my Mom every day and then one night I didnt (i had the flu) , when my SIL stopped in Mom was passed out on the floor after a stroke , It was down hill from there . She and my Old man ended up in rest homes till they passed I've never forgiven my self for that missed call She was alaways there for Me and she was the "protective barrier" between me and the Old man . You just need to be there for Her in whatever capacity that might be ....

 

[LuauLounge]

Dan, don’t beat yourself up. My advice after dealing with my parents and currently, myself. Ensure that she is safe. Friends, neighbors, etc. A HELP, I CAN’T GET UP device, some cameras, anything that you can monitor will help. Falls at a later age are extremely dangerous and recovery is difficult.
If there is an assisted living arrangement available, do it. Some are fed/state paid for.

 

[Gramps]

Dan you did the right thing. I went through it with my mom for 12 years.

 

[rrrr]

I think dealing with dementia seems more widespread because it's becoming common for people to live into their eighties and beyond. Our healthcare system is keeping the body alive longer, but deterioration of the brain in a certain percentage of the population is something that cannot be prevented.

 

[Willie B]

… my mother, who lived to be 97… When she would get out there… I would make up more absurd stories than what she had said… Her eys would open and she would say is that true and I would tell her …of course not… then she would be OK for a while???…
… you’ve got this… It’s just a very painstaking process…

 

[stephenkatsea]

Dementia was never an issue with our parents. We lost them at relative early ages of 70 & 73. The above advice of LL seems prudent. Any idea what the professionals say? Don’t beat up yourself. It’s good you’re there for your Mom.

 

[samsah33]

If you feel like a slime ball, then that means you care, otherwise you would not feel that way. Your mother is very fortunate to have a good son like you who cares.

 

[dezrtracer]

Lost mom to this horrible disease almost 2 years ago and it really tore me up . Actually makes me sad every day since she passed . The only thing I could do was spend as much time with her as possible thinking about the good times as she faded away over a few years . Here's a few things that helped me when I got frustrated or sad when with her . Hang in there bud , you're a great son ....

 

[lbhsbz]

Tell them what they want to hear, doesn't matter if its true or not, right or wrong, it makes them happy and calm, and that's your goal once someone has reached this stage. It may not be what you want, but it's best for everyone.

I've seen both alzheimers and dimentia...they both fucking suck. All you can do is try and make them happy, don't try and understand their point of view....it's not possible.

 

[Sherpa]

My mom was one of those sharp as a tack, financial super smart moms. Until she wasn’t.
Alzheimer’s robs people of their personality.
Very sad. All you can do is appease them in conversation, and take care them.

That’s about it,

 

[Flying_Lavey]

My Grandma has dementia and it is starting to get pretty bad. I visited her in the hospital last week with my dad and she kept thinking I was my dad and my dad was my grandpa who passed away about 5 years ago now. She kept telling the doctors that she lived at home with her husband which hasn't been the case since he passed. She now lives in a very nice assisted living facility.

She just had her 90th birthday and we all went to Northwoods Inn for it. One of her favorite restaurants. She was quiet lucid and was really enjoying the meal. It was really nice to see her like that with the entire family around her.

 

[TPC]

None us us are angels this is really tough to go through. More than a handful of drama that's hard for the family and yourself to understand and come to peace with.
Don't have regrets, instead have appreciation for their life.

I remember my dad coming home from dealing with his downward spiral parents sayin' "I Wish they would die."
Shocked us kids, we got sore at our dad.
We had no idea what he was going through.

Then one day I came home after just starting the final two month run of my mom tapping out and said "I wish my mom would die."
The kids got sore at me. I think still are over that.

Smokers death is a tortuous death. Lungs, spreads to the spine that is really painful, heart is like wet silly putty trying to pump blood, the the other organs start shutting down.
Mom was as mean as I ever experienced from anyone on their way out and this on top all the death and incontinent dying mess.
It was brutal.

Robin Williams took his own life because he didn't want to put his family through this. Malcom Forbes sr the same.
I'll use a hot load of Morphine.

 

[Jay Dub]

Always have thought that I’m good overall
But mom called me tonight during the game and I have had a few
Granted she won’t remember the conversation tomorrow but I just decided to go with it
Actually few people have said that agreeing is better than telling the truth
Just feel like a slime ball now
just hard to figure out where her thought process is
Told her we would find out who kidnapped her and bring her back safely
My aunt was going to untie her
Just bizarre how things can go south so quick

Dan, you have to let this go. We have been dealing with this with my MIL for years. Initially my wife went over every evening to check on her and make dinner. Then we installed cameras. It kept getting worse. We hired a full time care taker and my MIL would run away. A couple of times she ran to the police station and claimed the caretaker was holding her hostage. The MIL would get so mad at my wife and say things that really hurt her feelings. The next day my MIL could not remember any of it. We now have her in a memory care facility. its tough, but we know she is receiving good care and is safe.

 

[rivermobster]

Its really eye opening how many people here have been dealing with stuff like this, guess it not something that people talk about.
i get that its a boating website and all fun and games but really makes me think how many people are dealing with crazy stuff that we don't even think about. We see the pics of out on the lake and envy them but don't think of the reality of what some people are going thru,
I really appreciate the support. its one of those things that always knew could happen just wasn't expecting it so fast. it hasn't even been a year since i drove back to north dakota and she was living by herself and driving.

You're a good man Charlie Brown.

 

[H20 Toie]

Had a great conversation with her this morning
We talked for quite awhile, she was in good spirits, just a nice time.

Few minutes ago she called me still in good spirits, just happy like normal, didn’t remember taking this morning.

But I’ll tell you hearing her be happy is the best thing in the world

Like few of you have said it’s going to be roller coaster
Thankful for days like this

 

[CarolynandBob]

Lost mom to this horrible disease almost 2 years ago and it really tore me up . Actually makes me sad every day since she passed . The only thing I could do was spend as much time with her as possible thinking about the good times as she faded away over a few years . Here's a few things that helped me when I got frustrated or sad when with her . Hang in there bud , you're a great son ....

View attachment 1334355

Thanks for that. My mom is not that bad yet, but seams to be going downhill faster. She has emphysema, so that is making it worse, but also it seams each week she has something new that is a problem.

One of my issues is her and my stepdad will not admit something is wrong. I think he is in denial and she just doesn't remember.

 

[DLC]

My dad doesn’t know who I am, doesn’t know my name, but lights up when I’m near him…

You can’t have a conversation with him, you can talk to him but don’t get a response back that makes any sense….

Its really difficult to go see him, I don’t go see him for me, I go see him for him, most of the time we watch TV and I hold his hand and tell him what’s going on in my life.

He is very healthy but can’t CRS ! Can’t Remember Shit …. Dad is 82, been dealing with his condition, it’s a slow down hill process for over 8/ 9 years

amazing how the Mind works, or doesn’t work.


Dan, look at what you have today, Things might change tomorrow…..

 

[H20 Toie]

Omg my cousin just sent a picture, she is so skinny,
was planning on going there this week but can't get over this damn cold so will go end of the month
So sad to see her like this,

 

[RiverDave]

I know what you’re going through Dan.. it’s heart wrenching.