need advice...

[ka0tyk]

found out recently through a random message on Facebook that my mother in Tennessee which i havent seen or been in any contact with in 20+ years (she left when i was like 7 in favor of pills and booze...) has stage 4 cancer. she had cancer previously and was in remission but it has returned and shes already done chemo and shes been admitted to a hospital and cant keep potassium levels/treatments down. weighs 80 pounds and is going downhill fast. she bailed on myself, my half-sister and brother from a previous marriage, and then a 4th child from a marriage after my father. needless to say i have some resentment...

should i put the past behind me and fly out there to say goodbye? id hate to have regrets, but ive found peace and happiness in my life without her... im torn. ugh...

 

[Carlson-jet]

Better to live a life knowing you reached out. We only have one go round. It is not her who will live with your thoughts the rest of your life. I say go say good bye.

Good luck. That is a tough deal.

 

[BR44]

Better to live a life knowing you reached out. We only have one go round. It is not her who will live with your thoughts the rest of your life. I say go say good bye.

Good luck. That is a tough deal.

x2

If your "torn" you should probably follow the advice above.

 

[rrrr]

Say goodbye to what? A person that caused nothing but harm to you and your siblings? Give her the chance to offer a fabricated apology since she's dying, when she could have done it years before?

You will be hurting yourself by doing it. It has taken you years to resolve the hurt and anger over her treatment of you. Why expose yourself to those feelings again?

She made the choice to act in the manner she did. She chose to live apart from you and refuse to communicate with you over the years. It's clear she has no feelings for anyone but herself. Don't get sucked into a situation that will hurt you. She's been dead to you for years. Leave it that way.

 

[beerrun]

Say goodbye to what? A person that caused nothing but harm to you and your siblings? Give her the chance to offer a fabricated apology since she's dying, when she could have done it years before?

You will be hurting yourself by doing it. It has taken you years to resolve the hurt and anger over her treatment of you. Why expose yourself to those feelings again?

She made the choice to act in the manner she did. She chose to live apart from you and refuse to communicate with you over the years. It's clear she has no feelings for anyone but herself. Don't get sucked into a situation that will hurt you. She's been dead to you for years. Leave it that way.

I agree my mom was the same way I'm happy not having any contact with her and my kids dont even know her why would you want to go see her after 20yrs

 

[poncho]

Say goodbye to what? A person that caused nothing but harm to you and your siblings? Give her the chance to offer a fabricated apology since she's dying, when she could have done it years before?

You will be hurting yourself by doing it. It has taken you years to resolve the hurt and anger over her treatment of you. Why expose yourself to those feelings again?

She made the choice to act in the manner she did. She chose to live apart from you and refuse to communicate with you over the years. It's clear she has no feelings for anyone but herself. Don't get sucked into a situation that will hurt you. She's been dead to you for years. Leave it that way.

That was my Father, when my little Sis called and said should we go see him....no. I was more of a Father to her then he ever was, the only reason we knew was he told his current Wife to find us and let us now, i swear to God it was just one more dig from that selfish SOB.

He didn't care when he was healthy for 25-30 years, good riddance.

Only you can know how you feel but for me it was easy to shut him out...i did not need closure, he did that for us years before.

 

[Snprhed]

Im not a big fan of going either, unless you think it would be good for you. I get the feeling of wanting to reach out, but it may be harder on you emotionally than you realize.

I'd only go if you felt strongly about it and you think it would do you good.

 

[imirsh1]

Don't be torn about this.I went through the same thing (almost exactly) and I started getting those emails from long lost cousins telling me that my Mom was the same way, wanting to see all of her kids. It took me a long time from child hood to adult hood to get to where I am currently (mentally) that I felt comfortable with how it was. I left it alone and moved on with life and I have no regrets with my decision. Im not sure how old you are but my parents were only in my life until 11-12 years old. I have been without them since then , I am now 45, so 33 years. In the end you have to do what works for you!

 

[mbrown2]

Better to live a life knowing you reached out. We only have one go round. It is not her who will live with your thoughts the rest of your life. I say go say good bye.

Good luck. That is a tough deal.

X2....You are going for closure for yourself, not for her. Sometimes closure is tough and a trip to see your mom will be tough, but maybe it substantiates the peace you have and moved past the deserved resentment you had/have. On the flip side if you think this may trigger emotions and feelings that are harmful to your current situation then don't go and get some closure through other means.

 

[22Howard]

If it were me, I'd go. But I know emotional baggage can be very heavy. Best wishes to you as you work through these emotions.

 

[Old Texan]

X2....You are going for closure for yourself, not for her. Sometimes closure is tough and a trip to see your mom will be tough, but maybe it substantiates the peace you have and moved past the deserved resentment you had/have. On the flip side if you think this may trigger emotions and feelings that are harmful to your current situation then don't go and get some closure through other means.

All very good replies. But I'm going with this one if it was me.

It's about you not her. Don't get sucked in to her final pity party. She chose her path and must deal with it. Death bed remorse isn't changing the past and odds are it isn't going to be a genuine, "I'm sorry, I fucked up, please find a way to forgive me...." It's more likely a dying junkie seeking some type of, "Woe is me....." type of self centered way to make others feel bad for her mistakes and share in her guilt she's kept inside while her addiction ruled her life.

Sounds to me like she died to you years ago and this last gasp isn't going to change any of that in a positive way.

All that being said, it's a personal decision only you can make and in your heart know the right answer.

 

[Flyinbowtie]

Personally, I would simply do what is in your heart. Don't go to see her unless your gut tells you to go. Don't let anyone influence your choice on this, only you, with the memories you have, can make the right call.
Spend some time alone, and think about it. Listen to your heart, your soul.
Maybe even pray a bit.
Then, find your answer inside yourself.

 

[Kurtis Cruiser]

My mom left my Father and my sisters when I was five. Alcohol and drugs make people do things they wish they didn't. Many here can relate. Addicts don't want to be addicted. It is a demon they cannot control. I regret not being able to see her before she died. My mother died a slow painful death alone. I know she loved me and I love her. She lived a life she couldn't escape. I forgave my Mother. Hopefully you can forgive yours. This is about you now. Will you regret not saying goodbye? I think so. Otherwise you wouldn't of started this post. Get the closure you deserve.

 

[mobboss]

I had a shit father when i grew up, for my entire childhood. now wants to be part of my childs childhood had alot of mixed feelings about it. and this is what i came up with, i it would take away from my kids not me. in your case if you dont go you may regret it and now you will have that she left you and you did not go see her!!! Dont add to your
list of shit . as i call it.

Good luck , man!

 

[PVHCA]

Tough call either way, you are a hell of a guy, talented and a new father, through your posts I can see your intelligence, this decision won't have anything to do with your talents, use your head and decide what's in your best interest. IMO nothing wrong with forgiving someone, they are the one's that have to live with the guilt and hurt they caused.

 

[FreeBird236]

Personally, I would simply do what is in your heart. Don't go to see her unless your gut tells you to go. Don't let anyone influence your choice on this, only you, with the memories you have, can make the right call.
Spend some time alone, and think about it. Listen to your heart, your soul.
Maybe even pray a bit.
Then, find your answer inside yourself.

Having lost a loving mother last year, and not experiencing what you have, I'm leaning to yes, but logic tells me no. I think FBT is a very good answer...

 

[Uncle Dave]

Tough call- easy to go one way or the other.

Id say go for 2 reasons.

1. You may learn something that might change your perspective about something on some level. (or you may have your worst fears confirmed- but either way you'll learn something )

2. Saying goodbye is taking the high road and Ive never gone wrong by taking the high road.

Good luck.

UD

 

[JDKRXW]

should i put the past behind me and fly out there to say goodbye? id hate to have regrets, but ive found peace and happiness in my life without her... im torn. ugh...

Others have said what's most important in this situation.... it's about you, not her.
Since you're asking here, I think you're looking for confirmation about what your gut is telling you to do.
Best of luck, and sorry for the tough situation you're in.

 

[LuckyDaze]

My mother split when I was 2 in favor of the same lifestyle yours did. I tried to pick up with a relationship when I was 21 and I realized that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. Last I heard she was dating someone the same age as me and just got caught stealing electricity.

Depends on your relationship with her. The only thing I am thankful for my mother is giving me my life. The rest my father and grandmother provided. I will not attend my biological mothers funeral.

 

[milkmoney]

I wiil jus say that I dont believe blood is thicker than water.

I wouldn't waste my time. IMO

 

[Ziggy]

Tough one because both going or not going can trigger some sort of emotional reaction.......short and long term.
.
Maybe rock/paper/scissors is the answer, but honestly your heart will be your best guide.

 

[coolchange]

Either way will have consequences, which would you rather deal with. When I have a question like that, I have all the info in my head I need, and I forget about it. Then I will wake up in the middle of the night, or first thought in the morning when I wake up, with the answer. No debate, or what if, just how I really feel.

 

[TeamGreene]

My dad passed in 2003 from colon cancer. My two brothers and our mom were with him through the whole ordeal right to the bitter end and believe me it was tough watching this process but we did it because he was there for us all of his life until he couldn't anymore.

 

[bryzmon]

Plenty of advice here, but the fact that you are considering it shows what a stand up guy you are. Good for being above it whatever you choose is right for you.

 

[Cole Trickle]

This depends on the individual......

Personally I would give two shits.

If you didn't care enough about me when I needed you growing up I have moved on and have zero desire to revisit that wound.

Out of my 4 grandparents 3 were either drunks or crooks. I had zero relationship with any of them and for some strange reason later in life (mid 30's) they felt the need to reach out to my parents to try and rekindle there broken relationship.They asked to meet my sister and I and we both passed.

These were people I never remember because they stole money from my parents when I was about 2 y/o and were just plain bad people. There all dead now and I have zero remorse for not seeing them before they passed.

IMHO life is too short to surround yourself with people that cause problems or left when the going got tough so I would pass.....

 

[McRib]

I like closure and believe it or not I like being the better person. Even/especially out of spite.

Absent or not, she is your mother/person who brought you into the world. Any one other than a parental I'd do nothing.

Mom left an addict and didn't/couldn't look back. She was probably already suppressing something with them and I'd bet the habit got worse from the guilt of leaving . For 20 years she gas been to ashamed to contact you maybe. Has any effort on your part been made to help her on any level at any time over the last 20 years?

Me I'd go see her and get closure of my mind leaving her knowing you were/tried to be the better person. I'd even say something along the line of. Hello *insert mom's first name.. I traveled here to say goodbye and sorry me couldn't have a relationship.

Just leave it at that. Don't dig for why and listen to any explanation if she trys to give it.

Someone earlier nailed it with the addicts don't want to be addicts comment.

Idk man. That's the direction I'd think I'd go based on the info givin.

What ever you choose I hope it's the right choice for you. You can't have regrets in your life.

Sorry for the babbling. It's not typing like I'm seeing in my head.