Jesus how do people cope with dementia with parents?

[H20 Toie]

My god this is such a roller coaster, I can handle a lot of shit and have but god damn how do you handle something that you can't fix or make better.
Mom has always been such a strong person and pillar of or family now it feels like i'm treating her like a child, this is just messed up, so unfair.
I love her so much but Damn

 

[JB in so cal]

Been through it. Never easy. This can't be reversed. Gotta keep yourself healthy, though. Both mentally and physically. She will always be your mom.

 

[DRYHEAT]

Try not to beat yourself up over it Dan, it’s a helpless feeling and not really much you can do about it.

 

[HST4ME]

Did 4 years of it, was brutal. Mom passed on her 79th birthday, helped the funeral home guys move her out of the house. That was a weird feeling of relief and closure. After all was said and done with the funeral and family I realized how much it sucked the life out of me a well.

 

[monkeyswrench]

Dan, I think most people here are the hands on types, the types that have always been able to fix a problem, or somehow negate the effects.

With illness, mental or physical, it screws with our whole notion of reality. Nothing is worse than being helpless to assist our kids, parents or close friends. As yourself, I've been in some bad situations, broken, bloodied and mentally defeated atop that...but that really didn't "feel" nearly as bad as watching others suffer in ways we don't fully understand.

I have no answers, but I, and many others hear what you're saying and understand. We'll always be here to listen...we don't always need pics of boats, women and beaches.
(But we won't turn them down either )

 

[bilz]

Lean on whomever you need to. Sharing your experience on RDP is a good place to start. Many of us have been through this, the heartache and pain is unreal. It is tough knowing all you can do is be there. Hang tough, cut an onion or two.
This disease needs a cure.

 

[Member: 71]

Family and I went thru it for 5 years with my pops. Brutal, helpless, tiring, draining, frustrating…. You name it.

Slide a couple of bucks and pizzas, to the nursing staff to keep an extra eye on your moms. It goes along way.

Best of Luck, stay strong.

 

[CarolynandBob]

My god this is such a roller coaster, I can handle a lot of shit and have but god damn how do you handle something that you can't fix or make better.
Mom has always been such a strong person and pillar of or family now it feels like i'm treating her like a child, this is just messed up, so unfair.
I love her so much but Damn

It sucks so much. I think them being strong willed make it harder. My mom was stubborn her whole life and is fighting us every step of the way. The only thing I wish she would forget is how to be stubborn. It is taking its toll on me as well. Seams I do not have any patients for stuff that use to not bother me.

 

[RitcheyRch]

Did it for a few years with my dad. It never gets easier.

 

[Riverbottom]

It is tough. Took care of both my parents. I think it is harder on the care giver than the patient. Best of luck Dan.

 

[callbob]

My Dad took care of Mom for 3 or 4 years at home by himself. Don't know how he did it. Tough to go through for sure. Best of luck Dan.

 

[Rayson1971]

Going through It now with my dad. 2 care takers alternate 24/7. Not all can do it, but it's a God send. Taking care of everyday needs. Gives us time to actually hang out with dad and just be around him. We have a guy come 3 times a week to help finish my dad's last project car. 56 ford truck. When he comes over you can see yest sparkle in his eyes .

 

[DRYHEAT]

My Dad took care of Mom for 3 or 4 years at home by himself. Don't know how he did it. Tough to go through for sure. Best of luck Dan.

I have tons of respect for your dad and anyone who can do this. It can be absolutely brutal for the caretaker..

 

[Eliminator21vdrive]

It is no picnic for sure. Went through three years with my dad with the last year him being mad at me for no reason.

Stay strong and know that they have no control over it.

 

[wzuber]

Yes, it's brutal. Sometimes I think it's life's way of repaying them.for raising us " little angels". It seems all you can do is just be there w/ them, absorb the shit and be thankfull for the good times and years. You have a big heart Dan....let it lead you in situations like this. You'll be fine.

 

[HNL2LHC]

So sorry to hear the latest Dan. You are so right as the difficulties of the disease. The roles reverse with any parent/child relation as the parent ages. We have to step in at some point to assist. This disease just make it so much harder to navigate. Keep in mind that they are service available to help the patient AND care giver. My mother had a caregiver every other day that would come in and help her physically. As well as give my mother a break to let her remove herself as the care giver and recharge HER batteries.

Best to you and Mom in this time transition my friend.

 

[Jefftowz]

It’s torture for the family. When we went through this with my aunt she kept asking for her daughter that passed away years before, every time I told her she would break down. It was truly the most difficult thing to deal with on a daily basis.


Sorry you or anyone has to deal with this Dan.

 

[monkeyswrench]

It’s torture for the family. When we went through this with my aunt she kept asking for her daughter that passed away years before, every time I told her she would break down. It was truly the most difficult thing to deal with on a daily basis.


Sorry you or anyone has to deal with this Dan.

When at my uncle's funeral, Grandma asked me where my father was...I told her he was parking the car.

He'd passed two years prior. Turned the corner and hid my tears. She was burying another son already that day. Poor woman outlived four of her own kids.

 

[Maw]

Dealing with this with my in-laws now, but there are moments that make you chuckle. Took them on a Caribbean cruise a few weeks ago, finished the cruise (thankfully), got back to LAX, waiting to be picked up by one of my sons, my MIL looked down at the pile of luggage and said, "Are we going on a cruise or somewhere". We busted up, she was dead serious.

 

[whiteworks]

Roller coaster is exactly what it is, I’m still working on getting things stabilized and should have the caretakers moved in by mid December. Last week I had to buy two new fridges before we left for the desert. for some reason my pops doesn’t close the doors and keeps burning them up. Between trying to get a new business off the ground and the constant unexpected $1000 bills for random dementia shit, and cost of in home care, if I don’t laugh it off I’ll probably cry

I feel your pain Dan, keep your chin up and do the best you can.

 

[CommanderLee]

Make sure to take care of yourself during this. We are certain that caring for my grandmother is what killed my grandfather. Until he passed we had no idea how bad/hard things were with her. He never shared any of it. It is a very cruel disease. I have said many times I would rather see someone pass from anything else other than dementia or Alzheimer's.

Find things that make her happy. For my grandma it was cookies. Her just hearing someone say cookies would change things.

 

[C-Ya]

I’ll try to keep this dementia story short……

My BIL decides it’s finally time to take the keys away from my FIL. My BIL does just that, and actually sells the car the very same day.

No worries on my FIL part, he just calls up the local Honda dealership and orders a brand new Honda Accord delivered to his assisted living facility.

Moral of the story……. Take control of bank account at the same time.

I wish the story ended there…….. but it didn’t. Shortly after the Honda was delivered……. It was GONE. My FIL didn’t know what had happened to it.

It was later discovered that the car was signed over to a care taker at the assisted living facility. She said my FIL gave it to her. She was not only fired, but she was arrested to for violating Tennessee Elder Abuse laws.

A different caregiver cashed a $50,000 check he wrote her.

Needless to say, there are more incidents that happened, but that’s the nutshell.

Hang in there Dan.

 

[RiverDave]

It is a terrible and helpless feeling.. .

 

[petie6464]

I can sympathize with anyone affected by this disease.

All I can add is take the good moments and try to stay with them, when the bad ones come try to get past it. I know that's not much advice, this disease Sucks!

 

[bilz]

I’ll try to keep this dementia story short……

My BIL decides it’s finally time to take the keys away from my FIL. My BIL does just that, and actually sells the car the very same day.

No worries on my FIL part, he just calls up the local Honda dealership and orders a brand new Honda Accord delivered to his assisted living facility.

Moral of the story……. Take control of bank account at the same time.

I wish the story ended there…….. but it didn’t. Shortly after the Honda was delivered……. It was GONE. My FIL didn’t know what had happened to it.

It was later discovered that the car was signed over to a care taker at the assisted living facility. She said my FIL gave it to her. She was not only fired, but she was arrested to for violating Tennessee Elder Abuse laws.

A different caregiver cashed a $50,000 check he wrote her.

Needless to say, there are more incidents that happened, but that’s the nutshell.

Hang in there Dan.

People that do that kind if crap need to be locked up. Dealt with that crap with my grand parents.

 

[angiebaby]

Dan, I read this a few weeks ago on Linked In. It is helping me deal with my parents' growing infirmaries, perhaps it will help you also.

"Fear of Your Parents' Old Age"

There is a break in the family history, where the ages accumulate and overlap, and the natural order makes no sense: it's when the child becomes the parent of their parent. It's when the father grows older and begins to move as if he were walking through fog. Slowly, slowly, imprecisely.

It's when one of the parents who once held your hand firmly when you were little no longer wants to be alone.

It's when the father, once strong and unbeatable, weakens and takes two breaths before rising from his seat. It's when the father, who once commanded and ordered, now only sighs, only groans, and searches for where the door and window are--every hallway now feels distant. It's when one of the parents, once willing and hardworking, struggles to dress themselves and forgets to take their medication.

And we, as their children, will do nothing but accept that we are responsible for that life. The life that gave birth to us depends on our life to die in peace.

Our last lesson. An opportunity to return the care and love they gave us for decades.

And just as we adapted our homes to care for our babies, blocking power outlets and setting up playpens, we will no rearrange the furniture for our parents.

Happy is the child who becomes the parent of their parent before their death, and unfortunate is the child who only appears at the funeral and doesn't say goodbye a little each day.

My friend *Joseph Klein accompanied his father until his final moments. In the hospital, the nurse was maneuvering to move him from the bed to the stretcher, trying to change the sheets when Joe shouted from his seat: Let me help you. He gathered his strength and, for the first time, took his father into his arms. He placed his father's face against his chest. He cradled his father, consumed by cancer: small, wrinkled, fragile, trembling. He held him for a long time, the time equivalent to his childhood, the time equivalent to his adolescence, a long time, and endless time. By Your Side Nothing Hurts. Rocking his father back and forth. Caressing his father. Calming his father. And he said softly: I'm here, I'm here, Dad! What a father wants to hear at the end of his life is that his child is there. I love you, Dad, wherever you are, I always think of you, I will never forget you."

Sorry for the tear-jerker, and I don't know who wrote it.


It's easier for me to practice patience and grace when I remind myself of how patient they were when I was learning to walk, and potty-train, and when I didn't understand things, they did their best to help me understand. I don't remember any of that, but I'm sure they do. Best wishes and hugs for you on this painful but necessary journey with your mom.

 

[H20 Toie]

Thanks everyone, its been tough time, My cousin that checks in on her more than anyone has brain cancer, they just removed a tumor, took 4 surgeries and they got 95%of the tumor, she has 4 small kids, She is the high school principal, just rough time for the family to say the least,
I know i should be thankful that my mom is still with us but when you see her so unhappy and just waiting to die it's so heartbreaking. Then we have the good days and it feels so good.

 

[PlanB]

Going through this with my mom. She does not know who I am and does not have a grip on reality anymore. She can’t complete a sentence that makes any sense. She sees people that don’t exist. She fights us on everything and just wanders her property every day without a clue what she’s doing. Luckily she is about 100 yards from us on a secured acre and we have cameras everywhere. We are getting to the point where she is going to need professional care. I can’t think of a worse disease. It’s not a quick death. But it’s still a death sentence. Just a slow agonizing one.

Good luck. Take it day by day and hang in there.

 

[rush1]

My god this is such a roller coaster, I can handle a lot of shit and have but god damn how do you handle something that you can't fix or make better.
Mom has always been such a strong person and pillar of or family now it feels like i'm treating her like a child, this is just messed up, so unfair.
I love her so much but Damn

I'm dealing with it right now with my mother in law, already went through it with my father in law . You cant put a sane spin on an insane problem ! Your mom unfortunately is insane with only sane moments in her life.

 

[Mandelon]

This makes me feel lucky to have lost my parents before a severe mental decline started. A heart attack or stroke seems far more merciful than years of foggy unconnected memories.

My friend's father has a form of aphasia. He thinks and understands, but can't communicate. He can't quite talk, or even write anymore. He broke a hip in a fall and they put him in a wonderful care home in Newport Beach. He wants to go home, but he can't be trusted. He wanders off, one time he put the cat in the refrigerator. It is just not safe.

I feel for you all. Losing a parent one night is tough, but oh, so much harder when it is a long, slow and painful trip.

 

[stephenkatsea]

JB in So Cal’s comment was short and spot on. Keep yourself healthy - mentally and physically. There will be times she recognizes and needs you. There may other times when professional help is best for both of you. You’ve a whole bunch of people here, thinking about and listening to you.

 

[stephenkatsea]

FWIW - Some say listening to particular music they’d liked, from their era, is often a good experience for many with dementia. What the heck! Even I like that, without dementia. . . For now, as far as I know . . . .

 

[Justsomeguy]

FWIW - Some say listening to particular music they’d liked, from their era, is often a good experience for many with dementia. What the heck! Even I like that, without dementia. . . For now, as far as I know . . . .

I took my dad to the simon and garfunkle story. He didn't forget that. Forgot i took him. But wouldn't stop talking about how great it was. Still does.

Hang in there dan. Try to laugh when you can. Sounds harsh, but it helps. My mom, sister and I try to laugh at some of his moments when we can. Enjoy some of the more lucid moments.

 

[Dan Lorenze]

I lived with it with my Mom for years.. Really tough situation for sure. In the beginning I really tried my hardest to knock some sense into her and explain to her that the things she was saying wasn't reality. One of the examples was she was convinced that she was living in Tallahassee FL.. She was furious with me for correcting her when I told her she was living in Valencia, CA... I told her that I drove over to visit her from my home in Thousand Oaks and I didn't drive thousands of miles to FL to see her. She got really quiet.. There's a time that you want to correct her and then there's a time when you just agree with her just because you don't want to upset her. It's all very sad.

 

[C_J_J_C]

I lost my dad to dementia in 2022 and he died in 2023. The amount of times he didn't know who we were at the end was way more than he knew us but every day we just remembered our goal.

The goal was to make him happy and for us not to get angry at the world. Most days we succeeded but when we failed he didn't remember the next day and I never broke down in front of him or my kids.

Dan,
You will break down - it is ok.
She will have bad days - it is ok.
Only advice I can offer is never get mad at her and never blame yourself.

 

[Bullet28]

Dan, I’ve been wondering how your mom has been doing, I will have you in my thoughts and prayers along with your mom.

 

[bilz]

FWIW - Some say listening to particular music they’d liked, from their era, is often a good experience for many with dementia. What the heck! Even I like that, without dementia. . . For now, as far as I know . . . .

I found this true with my dad and grand parents. My dad was Soda Shop and Grandfather ma was 30's type. Could often get an hour or so of smiles. After my dad passed and I returned to work, my shop staff were streaming Soda Shop music. Man I had a great crew.

 

[Willie B]

…My mother lived to be 97… Her last few years… a caregiver came in on the weekdays and did what caregivers do?..:Her last night on a physically plane,..she was laying in her spot where she slept… Babbling nonsense… So I went in and sat down next to her and made up the most bizarre crazy story I could think of.., All of a sudden, she perked up…opened her eyes and said… is any of that true… And I said absolutely not… She went right back into fantasy land… And was gone by the time her caregiver came in the morning… it will probably come to me later… Some of the crazy things she did in her last few years… only got mad at her once… and I regret it to this day