I need help with a run-away child.

[Baja Big Dog]

I could write you a novel on the same situation, the bottom line is NO ONE is gonna make things better for the kid, but the kid!!

I dealt with this and the real fix is some serious therapy, and some chemicals, yes, you would be amazed at what some anti depressants could do, ONLY TO HELP WITH THE THERAPY ISSUES!!

The tough part is getting the kid to agree to getting help, concentrate your efforts on getting her help, today's peer influences are unfucking believable compared to our day..(for the over 40 crowd).

My story ended up with some very tragic results, but in the interim, life was good.

 

[scjohn]

Dear Tremor Therapy,

If you are still in need of assistance with this situation; please pm me and I will refer you to someone who deals with this situation everyday. I can assure there is no quick fix and the solution will require that you and your wife change your philosophy and practice of parenting. It is highly likely that you and your wife will have to change lifestyle as well.

It pains me to the core to hear of these situations and my heart goes out to you, your wife and your daughter. Forget the camp and having someone else try to repair this situation. You need someone, to help you restore your family yourself. If you are ready to do the hard work necessary, pm me and I can put you in touch with someone who can help.

You received alot of counsel from people here about how to deal with this crisis in your family. Shipping your daughter off to someone else is likely not a good solution nor would heading to Glamis with the remnants of your family provide any long term solution, a few days of worry and grief in the desert is likely all you would benefit. Beware of any solution that places the burden of restoration on anyone other than you and your wife. I would suggest you find help from someone who will equip you and your wife to best deal with this situation.

Again, I cannot express my sorrow for your family enough, the pain must be unbearable, not to mention the conflicting emotions you must be experiencing. Like I said before, I can refer you to someone who can help you for as long as it takes to get your family on track, the fee is very reasonable as well.

John

 

[Old Texan]

I raised 2 daughters and my oldest got pregnant at late 16 and the next several years were pure hell. She left us and was back and forth a number of times. Hardest years of our marriage, tough on her sister, and obviously changed a lot of plans everyone had taken for granted. Fast forward 17 years and everything worked out. She now has 4 kids by the same guy who straightened out his life and they have 2 businesses and teenager problems of their own to keep them occupied.

The bottom line was we fortunately instilled values in her that pulled her through.

Our scenario of course was different because no drugs were involved and though she caused a bunch of problems, she never lost or doubted her love for us. But the deal is, when they get to 17 or so, the law may say one thing but trying to get the legal system to help, just doesn't work. The legal system sees so many of these problems they just can't possilby do what you think needs to be done unless there is cause to believe lives are in danger.

My thoughts and advice are to seek professional counseling for yourself and wife to try and get a grasp on what your daughter is thinking. Don't blame yourselves because it most likely isn't something you have done, she just has a mind of her own that is hard for you to understand.

The ideas of sending her away aren't realistic and likely will just alienate her. Give her room and be firm in the fact she can always come home. Outside intervention is also something to be cautious about. Bring in the wrong people and again you risk alienation and/or her perception of embarrassment. Peer pressure and image are very important to her and she's trying to prove to a lot of folks she's tough and strong enough to stand alone. She isn't likely to just accept counseling and you have no way to force her to attend. She's got emoptions and hormones running wild and drugs are a contibuting factor to a bad formula, so keep all that in mind.

Find out all you can about this boy and his family. There may be things you can use to help the legal system intervene. Getting CPS involved and they can do a home visit and talk with her if this seems possibly effective. Be sublte in your approach and make sure she knows you are doing these things because you care.

Talk around and see if you can determine the amount drugs and thugs play into the whole scenario. Possibly get the legal system aware of problems they can solve. But again be subltle and don't force things on anyone or appear to "get in the way" of people dong their jobs. Don't create enemies in the legal system but rather try and find someone in that system you can relate to and who will sympathize and guide your efforts. These people see your situation and worse everyday.

Above all, don't give up, but still prepare for the fact you may not get her back, at least as the "little girl" you raised. These things take time and great emotional effort. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

 

[Tremor Therapy]

Well, fast forward from Tuesday to yesterday....my wife picked her up and brought her home, and it was a cursing tirade of why are we ruining her life. Brought my wife to tears. The officers who have been dealing with her over the past few weeks told her in my wifes presence that after all of the nonsense that the police put me and my wife through, it was obvious that she is the one with the problem, and that she needs to come to grips with life. All of this being truth, but when is a 16 1/2 year old going to listen to what the police and the youth counselor have to say?

Her story is that she hates us, and that she does not, and will not follow our rules any longer. She told the police and the youth counselor that she will not go to counselling, and that they can't make her....truth being told, the police can't make her go, and neither can we. We tried to gentlely talk with her about the what's and why's, but she would not talk with us at all, and told us that if we didn't leave her alone she would just leave....and then we would start the same thing all over again for the 3rd time. Her oldest sister has been crushed by her behavior, and has wanted to try anything to help. We found out Tuesday night that my 16 year old and my oldest daughter have been communicating for quite some time, and that my oldest has tried to work with her on her issues, keeping confidence with the 16 year old.

Well now we fast forward to yesterday. While I was at work, the women of the family decided that it might be best for her to go live with her oldest sister for the rest of this school year. My youngest daughter has always confided in and listened to my oldest, so maybe there is a connection there that can alleviate or help her attitude and behavior. You never know who it is that will influence your children, and if my oldest can be that influence, then it stays in the family, and we will be able to at least communicate with her.

On a personal note, I feel like I have failed her. It is has been a very trying year and a half. Getting laid off twice, wife getting laid off for 6 months, only making about 60% of what we did 2 years ago, loosing damn near everything that we worked for for the past 25 years, daughter running away 3 times, blah, blah, blah. I know that it will all get better some day, but today I feel like I am in such a far away place.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and offers to help. In never ceases to amaze me the quality of the people on this board. Many of you are truely amazing generous people. However my daughter is not in a good place right now, and the officers and the youth counselor think that the change of scenary might offer some peace. So she is in Washington now, having flown out yesterday afternoon. I guess all I can truely do is pray that she finds peace, give her my love and support, and keep the rest of the family together.

 

[RiverDave]

I am hoping everything works out for you.. I know this is a very tough situation, and you've already had a shitty enough year.

RD

 

[Ziggy]

Between reading your posts and H20Mofo over on PB it brings tears to my eyes. Kids these days feel they are so full of entitlement.:bash:
I have my moments with my 16 yr old but we have sofar always come to terms.

Best of luck with your daughter. :thumbsup

 

[Big Warlock]

You are no failure. This is a horrible hand you have been dealt. You need to play it out. There are alot of issues in your life. You need to handle each one, one at a time.

Looks like a good idea to have your 16 year old move in with your oldest. Take care of yourself and your wife. Your family needs you more now than ever. Hang in there!! Keep doing what you know is right. The rest will work itself out. Do what you have to do, not necessarily what you want to do.

My prayers are for you and your family.

Rob

 

[YoPengo]

Washington …. I think is a good idea… far enough from her bad influences here.

Remember... its not your fault.

 

[Old Texan]

Like the others said, it's not your fault and the fact alone that you feel it somehow is, shows your character as a good and caring father. A bad father would have just told her not to let the door hit her in the asse and been done with it. A good father fights for his family and loved ones just like you've done.

Leave her to her sister for now and catch your breath.....We're all pulling for a good ending.

 

[mike37]

hope every thing works out

 

[N2Lake]

Alan I have not been on the boards for quite some time. I can't believe the curve life has thrown at you. I would love to be able to help in anyway I could, just let me know.

 

[Flyinbowtie]

TT, I just read the whole thread.
Having spent 25 years as a cop responding to at least a thousand of these teriible deals, let me offer this:

I hear the pain in your heart; remember, if you were a failure this pain would not be there. You and your wife did not fail your daughter. She was confronted with a set of choices, and at some point she began making them. She, and the rest of your family are now living with the results.
You gave her a life after God gave her to you. You and your wife cared for her, wiped her behind, dealt with all the angst children can bring, and did the best you could. You taught her the difference between right and wrong, and gave her the skills to choose. You loved her.
The fact that your other kids are okay demonstrates that you have the ability to raise kids.
Having an employment crisis in your lives is not valid grounds for her to turn on you, and calling her Mom "Satan", tells me she has some serious issues to deal with.
Point...SHE has some serious issues to deal with.
You have done the best you can. What more can anyone do?
You and your wife have kids at home, and that family has a right to go on, to live life unencumbered by someone who, for whatever reason, has decided to live outside.
Do not bury yourself in pain wondering if you have failed her. You have not. We all make mistakes, but it takes alot more than some parenting challenges to turn someone like your daughter has turned.
Burn that into your mind, TT. You did not fail.
Sending her to live with her big Sis for awhile is a good move, it puts her with someone she trusts, and will allow you guys a good nights sleep and a chance to recover yourselves.
Let her know the door is open, the rules remain the same. Be fair, forthright and consistent with your kids, and if/when she is ready, perhaps re-uniting can work. I truly believe she would benefit form some counseling in Wa., and a few sessions for you and your family at home might help, too, if you guys struggle to get on an even keel at home.

Best wishes...

Jeff

 

[Tremor Therapy]

To all of you who have posted,

Thank you for the kind words, and the kind thoughts. You may not believe it, but it has brought some peace to me and my family. It was just this past week that my wife and I were able to sleep through the night. I think of my daughter often, and I hope that she is doing well. Her big sister is doing right by her (which does give me some solace knowing that I can raise someone the right way), but my youngest still has a long way to go.
They got her enrolled into school, and for the most part she is going. An interesting sidebar to this is that the town that my oldest daughter lives in is a very blue-collar town. The first time I talked with my daughter she mentioned how poor the community was because all of the kids did not have cell phones or i-Pods. I am still digesting this as it revolves around my values, my wifes values, southern California's values, etc. She even met a kid who she says was wearing his older brothers old jacket because the family could not afford a new one!
She has already asked about coming home, but not for the right reasons. I try and talk with her, to tell her I love her, but when I don't have anything else to offer her, she just hangs up. Its a tough deal, but I will keep pushing through it. I seem to remember a line my dad always used to say to us kids: we try and raise you the best we can, try to get you to know the difference between right and wrong, and then you are thrust upon the world with only your face and your name. What you do with those are up to you.

Once again to all of you who wished us well with your thoughts and with your words...thank you very much. The kindness and spirit of the people who frequent this placed truely blows me away sometimes.

Alan

 

[Mblaster]

I have a nineteen-year-old daughter and all I can tell you is… don’t stop fighting for her. Never give in, never give up and never quit trying to guide her to the right path. At this age telling her to do or not do something does not work. She thinks she knows it ALL already. What worked for us was what I call “planting seeds” subtle guidance, or ideas that are “planted” and left alone. She has to figure it out on her own (works on the wife too). You really need to ditch the anger because that just drives them away and burns bridges. She has to know that she has a place to come back to. She also has to accept the rules at home. Sitting them down and let them tell you what they believe to be reasonable (rules and chores) at home usually works. It is amazing when my kids do something wrong and I discuss with them what they think their punishment should be… it us usually much worse than what I would do. You also have to remember that they go through these economic times as hard if not harder than you and your wife. They feel a burden on the family and have a lot of guilt. High school is very stressful especially for girls.

You need to get here side of the story. She is turning to influences outside of the family because she feels she is not understood, not respected, not listened to. Make he a partner in the home. Make everything clear (difficult with women). Treat her like a young adult that at times needs a kick in the pants and at others needs to feel like an adult. Last thing… Do Not Micro Manage her Life! Give her a chance to fail and work through things on her own (she knows that she screwed up and doesn’t need to hear it over and over). Work on what is next… not the past.

Sorry for the novel… but your going to hear allot of “grab her by the hair and make her listen”… crap.

John

My next door neighbor sent their 16 year old daughter to wilderness camp somewhere in utah. This was in august. She was camping for a month or so with no contact with anyone but the staff. Though her parents were getting constant feedback. She was finally was let out and her parents now have her enrolled in a private school recommended by the camp somewhere in utah.
They went up to see her this weekend. The poor peeps were at their wits end, she was a little biatch running with her fawking looser drunk towell head boyfriend and his buddys. Her grades went to shit, and she was drinking and using and probably becomming an easy lay. They got her there by saying they were going to vegas...and drove right on past.