Funniest Joke You've Ever Heard?

[BoatCop]

This is my favorite.

A guy meets his friend at the bar and says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The other guy says, "That's nothing. When Gary left last night, he ran a cop off the road and wrapped his car around a tree."

The first guy goes, "I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."


:lmao

 

[Sleeper CP]

That's just wrong.

Sleeper CP

 

[Troy McClure]

What's brown and sticky?























































A stick

 

[ROC]

My favorite is a bit, unacceptable, in current company. Funny as fuck though. Even my liberal friends laugh.

 

[shueman]

Not so much jokes, but drive-time radio in LA, back in the years.
Dail A Date (Frazier Smith) and Ajax Liquor Store (Hudson & Landry) come to mind...:lmao

 

[boatnam2]

good one BC, speaking of funny i still think the story way back on hotboat were the guy was cooling off on the boat ramp and his lab screwed him was one of the funniest i have heard...

 

[desertbird]

What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand?





























Quatro-sinko...

 

[2Driver]

Why don't most guys perform oral sex on their women first thing in the morning?


















Ever tried to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich?

 

[lebel409]

When everyone is standing around telling jokes and it's time to go I always tell this one...

What's the difference between a cow and a women from Texas?
































The cow will eat it's afterbirth without Tabasco sauce!

 

[HavasuHank]

Why don't most guys perform oral sex on their women first thing in the morning?


















Ever tried to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich?

the visuals are not good :lmao

 

[WATERDOG]

Gasoline back to $2.00 a gallon.

 

[Miss Perfect]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?











mmmmm....we really do taste like chicken.

 

[Earl-Bob]

My fave

Theres this bear and a rabbit takin a shit in the woods
The bear looks down at the rabbit
Pardon me but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur???
the rabbit looks up at him and says why no I don't
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him:lmao

 

[Instigator]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense ? :hmm






































??????????????????????????????????????????????????:hmm:hmm:hmm:hmm

 

[ElAzul]

Advise from my 94 year old Great Grandpa days before passing away


"Grandson how do you know if a woman has an orgasm???"



"Who the F*** cares!!!!!!"




He was a trooper and a dirty old jokester til the end......

Miss Ya Gramps

 

[westair]

This is my favorite.

A guy meets his friend at the bar and says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The other guy says, "That's nothing. When Gary left last night, he ran a cop off the road and wrapped his car around a tree."

The first guy goes, "I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."


:lmao

I guess the good ones never die, that joke has been around probably since the 70's

 

[larryflynt]

uncle fester (guy that works for me) said "whats so funny about that?, i've come home from the bar and done that before.)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bk

 

[G-Body]

Time to get this thread moving............

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death


2. Taxes


3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[G-Body]

Married Guy Joke

I thought this was worth posting for your enjoyment...........

One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

[G-Body]

Keeping in theme with the joke that started the thread....

Drunk people make me laugh...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the
end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out
of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without
missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's
gone, too!!!!!"

 

[G-Body]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"



Well thats enough for tonight.....