First Christmas after divorce...

[Cray Paper]

Feels like it been several years due to the process but this is the first Christmas after my wife demanded a divorce back in March 2018. Still seems surreal. She has my kids Xmas eve and I have them Xmas day. I have them from 9:30 Tuesday to 7:30pm Wednesday. I bought them 22 rifles for Xmas and plan to take them to my parents for dinner tomorrow and to the gun range I am a member at Wednesday to shoot the rifles. The ex has to work the rest of the week and I am burning up my left over vacation time (use it or lose it), so I have lots of time to spend with my boys. I'm looking at taking them to the movies a couple of times. I am trying to establish the new normal, but that seems to be a moving target. I bought them a dirt bike but the ex put the co-bosh down on them riding.

What do you divorced dads focus on when with your sons? This is all new to me, seems odd to ask but the whole situation is fucked up. My parents never divorced so I am asking for some help / guidance.

 

[ElAzul]

Feels like it been several years due to the process but this is the first Christmas after my wife demanded a divorce back in March 2018. Still seems surreal. She has my kids Xmas eve and I have them Xmas day. I have them from 9:30 Tuesday to 7:30pm Wednesday. I bought them 22 rifles for Xmas and plan to take them to my parents for dinner tomorrow and to the gun range I am a member at Wednesday to shoot the rifles. The ex has to work the rest of the week and I am burning up my left over vacation time (use it or lose it), so I have lots of time to spend with my boys. I'm looking at taking them to the movies a couple of times. I am trying to establish the new normal, but that seems to be a moving target. I bought them a dirt bike but the ex put the co-bosh down on them riding.

What do you divorced dads focus on when with your sons? This is all new to me, seems odd to ask but the whole situation is fucked up. My parents never divorced so I am asking for some help / guidance.

Been there done that in 2016. Had nothing left but a new truck and empty house. My kiddo and me have never been closer. In the times of uncertainty remind them that they will never loose their Dad and you guys can still have a great time. My son and I went thru hell and I tried hard to create great memories for him during the shit times. Our story makes most people sad and pissed but we powered thru and are truly inseparable which I can't say the same for his egg donor anymore. Everyone's scenario is different just rock on and be an epic Dad.

 

[1cole280S]

That is hart wrenching!!

Speechless!!!!!

 

[1cole280S]

They always say it is beter to come frome a broken home than to live in one......
But from first hand experience.... there both a fucking nightmare!!!!!
All you can do is hold them tell them you love them!!!!
And assure them that every thing is going to be ok!!!!!
I wish you all a merry Christmas!!!

 

[bk2drvr]

Feels like it been several years due to the process but this is the first Christmas after my wife demanded a divorce back in March 2018. Still seems surreal. She has my kids Xmas eve and I have them Xmas day. I have them from 9:30 Tuesday to 7:30pm Wednesday. I bought them 22 rifles for Xmas and plan to take them to my parents for dinner tomorrow and to the gun range I am a member at Wednesday to shoot the rifles. The ex has to work the rest of the week and I am burning up my left over vacation time (use it or lose it), so I have lots of time to spend with my boys. I'm looking at taking them to the movies a couple of times. I am trying to establish the new normal, but that seems to be a moving target. I bought them a dirt bike but the ex put the co-bosh down on them riding.

What do you divorced dads focus on when with your sons? This is all new to me, seems odd to ask but the whole situation is fucked up. My parents never divorced so I am asking for some help / guidance.

First off good for you to have the courage to post your situation and reach out for support.

I went through this 9 years ago but remember it like it was yesterday. My daughter was 8 at the time and I found myself trying to figure out the new normal. I was fortunate that I had a good support system around me with friends and family. I didn’t need a lot of people just quality people that were good listeners and had some life experience and were able to offer perspective and reassurance that everything was going to be okay. The reality is everything will be okay for you and your boys regardless of how things may look to you at the moment. Christmas is just one day out of the year and you are not alone in your situation.

I suggest spending time with your boys and building that great bond which it sounds like you already have the recipe for. Enjoy your kids and live in the moment. Things will fall into place for you as time goes on. March wasnt that long ago so don’t think a lot of time has gone by and you should be over it by now.

Start to frame up in your mind what you want the next half of your life to look like and slowly work towards that. There’s probably a ton of guys on here stuck in marriages that they are terrified to leave and would love to have that second chance to it differently.

As for a new relationship you gotta put yourself out there. Online at this stage in your life is probably best way to go. It’s a numbers game, you will go through a lot before you find someone worth hanging on to. I know a ton of people who met online and have married. A ton!

Hang in there, you have a lot to look forward to.

 

[lebel409]

When my parents divorced mom had "just" enough to keep us going. Things were tight, no extras. ad had a shitty apartment, empty except a tv couch and beds. He turned into a disneyland dad because there wasn't a normal and nothing to do, so we went places, trips, amusement parks, whatever. This caused more tenseness in an already tense situation. When the folks finally sold the house, split the $, and bought new houses things started becoming normalized.

That was 45 years ago, last night they sat down together for xmas eve.

 

[Cole Brewed]

Sat on attempting to reply for along time on this. This is a tough one! I focused on the cultivation of our relationship to be quality, desired, looking forward, Never being late, always takeking every opportunity to spend the time together. Your sons are resilient, they will look to your for stability and respect you for having it. Be their solid foundation.

Disneyland is fun, Quality Time is priceless.

 

[Cole Brewed]

When my parents divorced mom had "just" enough to keep us going. Things were tight, no extras. ad had a shitty apartment, empty except a tv couch and beds. He turned into a disneyland dad because there wasn't a normal and nothing to do, so we went places, trips, amusement parks, whatever. This caused more tenseness in an already tense situation. When the folks finally sold the house, split the $, and bought new houses things started becoming normalized.

That was 45 years ago, last night they sat down together for xmas eve.

My situation was very similar I hated it , even as a child

 

[WhatExit?]

Good for you to ask for input. You'll do well (better!) as you move forward with your life without your ex.

As you know you're still and always their father. Be their Dad - be the man they need you to be to learn life's lessons about love, loyalty, discipline and doing the right thing. Everything will work out for them and you as long as you're their Dad - THE man in their lives

 

[havasujeeper]

This happened to me in 2011. Then I met a great gal, with a great family, bought another house, and have never looked back. Now the ex is sorry for her actions, lost everything she gained, and is now miserable. Life has a unique way to payback the wrongs in your life, if you just give it a chance.

 

[Big B Hova]

Damn 22 rifles? Did you buy them a couple gun safes to keep all of them safe and locked up?


Just be a dad! Hang out with them and have fun!

 

[Outdrive1]

Yeah. A couple years ago I sat here Christmas Eve and woke up Christmas morning alone after being married over 23 years. I’m not gonna lie, I was in bed crying by myself. But then you just gotta force yourself to get up and move on with your life. I remarried this year, got dogs last year. I’ll visit my kids this week. All is good. I do miss my kids, but they are adults, with too many families to be at, at the same time.

Anyhow, it will get better. [emoji106]


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[2FORCEFULL]

Feels like it been several years due to the process but this is the first Christmas after my wife demanded a divorce back in March 2018. Still seems surreal. She has my kids Xmas eve and I have them Xmas day. I have them from 9:30 Tuesday to 7:30pm Wednesday. I bought them 22 rifles for Xmas and plan to take them to my parents for dinner tomorrow and to the gun range I am a member at Wednesday to shoot the rifles. The ex has to work the rest of the week and I am burning up my left over vacation time (use it or lose it), so I have lots of time to spend with my boys. I'm looking at taking them to the movies a couple of times. I am trying to establish the new normal, but that seems to be a moving target. I bought them a dirt bike but the ex put the co-bosh down on them riding.

What do you divorced dads focus on when with your sons? This is all new to me, seems odd to ask but the whole situation is fucked up. My parents never divorced so I am asking for some help / guidance.

I went through this many years ago...and my son ended up being my best friend for life,... though hard to do,... never say nothing bad to your son about his mother...though you lost a wife... they still have a mom and dad...so just do your part,.. always be there for your sons and they will always be there for you... no matter what your ex says..age will play a big roll right now.... but if they are old enough to go shooting...they are old enough to see what going on.... cut the ex out of your life... you don't have to ask her shit..in fact you never have to talk to her again … unless you two still commutate well, don't talk to her....women still want to control you even when they/ you leave... If I wanted to take my sons dirt bike riding, that's exact what I would do... let her be the one that says they can't...be strong buddy,,, cut her loose... someone better is waiting as soon as you slam the door and kick her to the curb... that's what happened for me 34 yrs ago.. that bitch was a control freak and the more I caved in the more control she tried to take... i'd get calls from her... I thought I told you the kids couldn't go to the lake!!!!! click. hung up the phone....she would go nuts blowing up the phone...week latter...she calls... we need to talk....click... hung up...you need to grow a set right now... do what you wanna do...she has no control..and if she tries to stop you from seeing your boys, they will see whats going on..I ended up with custody of my kids for just that reason..again… never say a bad word to you kids about their mother..and if asked.. just say... she's a good mother, we just can't get along...if you are gonna live your life in hopes she comes back...you're pretty much screwed and a puppet...a puppy scratching at the door...get back to being the alpha big dog...Do what you can and don't worry about what you can't

 

[ilmormark]

We have a friend who recently went through this as well. On another note been married for 35 years to an amazing women that looks great too. So we started hanging with our friend and went on many double dates some nightmares. But he has found a new woman and she is a star super positive super friendly and everything is falling into place for them! Keep it going it will be just great i know it you already have the foundation in your boys enjoy your time with them this week and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

[steak&lobster]

I'm widowed not divorced, and I sure don't know everything. But I know this; kids only want your time and love.

 

[Mandelon]

You don't have to spoil them silly. Hiking is free and camping is cheap. Add shooting into that mix and it would be an awesome weekend.

I agree with 2FF, never bad mouth mom or her choices. Always be the better man. Lead by deed and example. You will have less time with them, so make what you have count.

 

[Ziggy]

You don't have to spoil them silly. Hiking is free and camping is cheap. Add shooting into that mix and it would be an awesome weekend.

I agree with 2FF, never bad mouth mom or her choices. Always be the better man. Lead by deed and example. You will have less time with them, so make what you have count.

Wish the karma train comes and runs over my sons ex soon. We haven't seen our grandkids since early this year. The ex basically absconded with the kids, made up a bunch of lies and the courts haven't done shit.

 

[Backlash]

Cherish every single moment with them and do whatever you can to spend time with them. Make all of their "Important things" important to you. I'm not suggesting you spoil them, but when they are present, make sure they know that they are the priority in your life. Put down the phone, get off RDP (Sorry RD!), and ignore all the chicks that will be blowing up your phone. Its all about THEM! Period.

Went through a lovely divorce and lost my two boys and a house and a chunk of my retirement. Oh well, she was divorced from her second husband 16 months later. Fuck 'em. My older son wouldn't speak to me for some time and his little brother followed suit. They didn't have the whole story and only heard what their mother was telling them. I just took a back seat for some time and let the dust settle. I didn't make the kids the pawn and I never have used them as a weapon against their mother. I don't say anything negative about her (Even though I think she's a bitch!), and I make sure to ask how her parents (Their grandparents), are doing to let them know I still care. Over the years, the boys have started to come around and I think that maybe they are seeing the light. It takes two to tango, and no relationship is perfect. They all take a lot of work.

For now, make your kids YOUR life and don't let anything get in the way. When you are with them, it's all about them. Good luck to you and the kids and enjoy every moment you can with them.

 

[Thundermutt]

Sitting here taking notes, I decided in July it was over. No court dates till feb-march and she still lives here. Just last week there was talk about trying to make it work to stay a family and be there for our 6 yr old son. Sure is tough, last night was first time separate during a holiday sharing our son, god it was tough for both of us. Cant imagine what the future brings.

 

[Boat211]

I am currently dealing with this as well. She moved out 4 months and 18 days ago. Worst Christmas to date. Kids just left to go see there Mom. I’m alone in the house and hate it.

 

[Outdrive1]

I am currently dealing with this as well. She moved out 4 months and 18 days ago. Worst Christmas to date. Kids just left to go see there Mom. I’m alone in the house and hate it.

Been there buddy. I feel for you. This is when you reach out to your friends.


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[Backlash]

Lots of members have been or are dealing with this same mess. It sucks. Keep your heads up and don't let this crap bring you down. The number one focal point should be your kids and their well being. Everything else is second. When the kids aren't around, then go out and chase some tail. But when you have them, make it the most memorable time you can!!

 

[Hypnautic]

Wow. Just wow..
Weird how life just sometimes gives you what you need when you need. I liked every single response, even the saddest one where they have not seen their grandchildren, just because people are sharing and reaching out. My request is to bump this thread next year, as I will be in the same place as the OP.
My situation is tough but no easier or harder than the next. She has been an alcoholic for the past 8-10 years. I’ve blown $60K+ on rehabs. There’s so much it makes me dizzy and tired. But I am over it. It’s heart breaking to hear your 3 kids say that they wouldn’t blame me if we got divorced. Or they like it better when she’s gone.

To the OP. I wish you the best. Sorry for the heavy heart your feeling. Family, friends will be there for you. Never think you are a burden to them, cause I’m sure you would be there for them if the roles were reversed.

 

[4Waters]

Take them motorcycle riding, it's your time to do what you want with them, she can do what she wants when she has them. Just Keep It Sane like trail riding, no track riding.

 

[Joe mama]

Went through it in 2010. I feel everyone's pain that has gone through it. But the advice here is all 100% correct.

 

[RVRKID]

This is my first Christmas being a single Dad as well after 15 years together. Luckily we never married so there is no waiting on divorce shit and so far we have him 50/50 with a great schedule and no court involved. I tell you what it’s hard though I didn’t get him this year for Xmas AM but will next year. I picked him up at 10 AM and just he and I did presents and that’s it. Luckily I do have a great family and friends and that makes it a little easier until you come home to an empty house just wishing to smell something cooking. Lol.
So the rest of the day is packing and getting ready for Seth and I’s trip to Glamis tomorrow-Sunday. I haven’t been back out there since 2/11 when we told all our friends we were pregnant with Seth. His first time and he’s excited![emoji1303]

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[Activated]

Coming from parents who were divorced when I was 4...for good reason, the only input from me, without getting in to a ton of detail. I feel I am a better person for having grown up in a good environment, versus growing up in a fucked up, dysfunctional situation.

Show your kids happy...whatever the situation is, they know happy when they see it. I did.

 

[Dan Lorenze]

Went through it in 2014. I remember my first christmas on my own,It was a really tough time for me. I had lost the Christmas spirit, and just went through the motions. It gets much better over time, hard to see that now but I'm glad I went through what I did. I really learned a lot about myself and actually grew up a lot. Be patient with yourself. I promise, it gets better.

 

[SBMech]

I come from a broken family, shit is there a Gen X'r that does not?

Mother to this day talks crazy shit about my Father, even when she is "happy", it's really difficult to not let it affect you, and she's done this since I was 6.

I have no kids from my Divorce, but I will tell you that growing up I always enjoyed the time traveling with my Dad to Moab to ride dirt bikes, my Dad bringing me along on almost every hunting/fishing trip etc, and he rarely spoke ill of my Mother. He is still one of the most positive influences in my life, I am the man I am today because of him.

He always tried to include me in everything he was into, or keep me focused if I was Racing (motocross, downhill ski racing, football, wrestling etc), he never let me quit something I started, and I learned how to make better decisions from those experiences.

Don't let your ex tell you what to do anymore, she cannot limit what you do with your kids. Be polite but FIRM.

Like all the rest of the members who replied said, keep everything civil with your ex, at least in front of your kids. Just be the Dad you always wanted to be, but were limited from by your ex and her bullshit. Don't ever lie to them, tell them the truth, they are smarter than you think.

If any of you members going through a rough time with your Divorce or loss of some sort ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a PM, things are easier when you have someone who will just let you get it out there and talk about it.

When you feel down, exercise, write a list of goals or things you want to change about your life, do something constructive, even if it's just watching some movie that always makes you breakdown and cry, getting the hurt out is healthy and cleansing for your heart and mind.

Merry Christmas you fucking fucks!

 

[Boat211]

Been there buddy. I feel for you. This is when you reach out to your friends.


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I fortunately have some really good friends that continue to look out for me. Had Christmas dinner with Boatmaster and his family. It definitely helped ease the pain.

 

[pronstar]

My buddy is going thru a divorce right now, and Is living with us until his financial obligations stabilize.

He’s been with us since October, including all holidays and gatherings, either at our house or elsewhere.

Surround yourself with friends, don’t suffer alone...because you aren’t alone.

Allow people to fill the time voids you have. Focus on the people who actually want you in their lives [emoji106]

In my buddy’s case, two marriages to abusing gals that isolated him, have left him with some feelings of awkwardness in social settings. The best way to overcome is to start socializing with people, to get in the groove.

It’s funny because once he started calling me a feg in text messages, I knew he had turned the corner and is back to his old self LOL


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[steak&lobster]

My buddy is going thru a divorce right now, and Is living with us until his financial obligations stabilize.

He’s been with us since October, including all holidays and gatherings, either at our house or elsewhere.

Surround yourself with friends, don’t suffer alone...because you aren’t alone.

Allow people to fill the time voids you have. Focus on the people who actually want you in their lives [emoji106]

In my buddy’s case, two marriages to abusing gals that isolated him, have left him with some feelings of awkwardness in social settings. The best way to overcome is to start socializing with people, to get in the groove.

It’s funny because once he started calling me a feg in text messages, I knew he had turned the corner and is back to his old self LOL


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He called you a feg???

 

[pronstar]

He called you a feg???

Yeah LOL

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[MrsVP]

I come at this from a different view.

My husband and his ex wife have been divorced for many years, and the three of us have a 13 year old son.

He lives with his mom the majority of the time, we get every other weekend, a couple weeks in the summer and some holidays.

I can say a few things-never use your kids as a pawn. Don't talk poorly about your ex in front of them. Don't have disagreements in front of them. Be firm in decisions and don't let them walk all over you, especially with schedules and court ordered visitations (if you have to get police involved, keep a copy of your decree with you at all times, you'll need it, trust me).

The time your kids need is just that, time. Take them bowling, the park, hiking, shooting, ride bikes. It doesn't have to be elaborate or glamorous. Pure fun is what they crave.

I'm really lucky, my son, to me, is my own flesh and blood even though he was a gift with purchase. Over the years, I've gone from a step mom to mom and we talk almost every day. He was 7 when my husband and I started dating.

I feel for you not having your kids with you on holidays, I literally get depressed whenever he leaves our house too :/ keep your chin up, it will get better.

 

[blefever]

Never been divorced myself but seen a lot of friends go through it. My advice would be to work very hard at being civil with the x and like some have said especially in front of the kids. The better you two can get along the better it will be for all. I'm sure being nice to an x wife has to be one of the hardest things a man would ever do, but it would also be, at least in my mind, the best thing you can do for the kids. Amazing how "words" can affect a child.

 

[mark49]

I also kinda waited to weigh in. Christmas can be the best or worst time of the year to be single? I was married for just short of 35 years. My situation was we just grew apart. Sometimes it just seams easier to walk away then spend the time on marriage repair. I left her, in 2008 and my three kids at that time 13, 18 and 23 all sided with their mother. Many ppl have been giving you some great advice. Put up your tree, lights act positive, one poster said "Never make negative statements about your X" It may not seem like it now but things well and do work out. Money doesn't buy you love, but your sincere time and actions do! I told my kids that I would never stop fighting for my 50% custody. Here is my ending now 10 years later. I'm closest to my daughter 24 lives in the same city I do, my three grand children that love me to death, Bella 5 is my BFF. My two sons live local and we are all are very close. My X moved to Florida remarried and never visits our children. We do the shooting thing also, I had to laugh that your X was upset over the motorcycle but not the .22s. I was wondering the ages of your kids? In any event keep the faith, if you ever think you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. I'm a great listener on this subject. The picture below was taken 2010.... Remember this much while in the court, Time spent, money earned.
Wishing you the very best

Mark

 

[LowRiver2]

Lots of good comments. Think about or look up ways to make proposals (compromises) to get what you want to do with your kids. Communication can be hard but a lot of times the other parent can agree to activities once their concerns are addressed.

If it’s contentious, emails, phone on record during encounters with your ex are your friend, trust me.
3 years in, it does get better.

 

[Cray Paper]

Thank you for all the replies. first off, there is now way in hell I would entertain rekindling the relationship with her. The way she went about this is not something I would wish on anyone and am shocked she lied the way she did and had her family do so just for her financial benefit.

I just paid off my attorney bill for this endeavor today, almost 35K. Wasn't necessary, but that is how she wanted to deal with the divorce. She got what she thought she wanted, but that will be short lived and she will not be able to maintain what she was awarded from me. For those going through this now, know that alimony / maintenance after the first of the year of 2019 is on the payer, not the person receiving it. My ex went after as much maintenance as she could but left money on the table for child support in her greed grab.

I do not mention this shit when I am with my sons other than when they ask what I am looking for in buying for my next home or car. Their mother has brain washed them. I do not lie to them, tell them the facts and then move on quickly. I am trying to keep a open relationship with the ex but have had to remind her a couple of times that I no longer need to deal with and or address her drama based BS. Nothing like being screamed out while dropping of a alimony and child support check in the driveway of the home you just handed over to a person who would never have been able to afford it if they never met you. The last bill I received from my attorney had to deal with her BS because I wired the monthly maintenance / child support payment and her bank charged her 25 dollars, incorrectly. .Costs me 195.00.

I know my EX will live a lonely life when my sons figure out on their own what transpired. I also know there are very few men that would put up with my Ex's always the victim BS. I am here for my sons and want whats best for them, but they will know what I am legally obligated to provide for them versus what their mom says I am. That has already reared its head. Oldest kid broke his phone, ex wife wants me to pay 900.00 so that I can talk to him. Ex wants me to pay for the oldest sons auto insurance so he can take the hunter training courses. NOPE. She has threatened me with "calling her attorney". I just laughed, go ahead, just know I ended my professional agreement with him.

I am going in to 2019 with open eyes, not looking for another personnel relationship but just focusing on me and my sons. They know I have their backs and have involved them with purchasing their bedroom sets, couches etc since the divorce.

It's just surreal though.Would have never imagined I would be in this place 1 year ago.