I need help with a run-away child.

[Tremor Therapy]

Sometimes the information that others have provided here has helped me with situations, so I am asking for help from any of you with experience.

My 16 year old daughter has run away with her boyfriend, and the boyfriends parents are just as happy to have her there. We found out after 3 weeks of no contact that that is where she was staying. She has tried to attend school, but because she is listed as a run away, the police show up and then she runs away from them.

We can dis-enroll her from the school, and then the boyfriends parents can be cited for contributing to the deliquency of a minor, but that would just infuriate our daughter even more, and who knows where this will end.

The long story made short is that she started dabbling in pot, booze, and loosers, bringing friends home from school, and basically opening up our home as the after school party house. Well we ended that, and 3 days later she bailed.

The cops have picked her up, but she just tells them to f*ck-off. The police and counselors that we have spoken with have all told us that she is just out of control, and is choosing this path. They have wished us luck on a number of ocassions, but it is not getting better, and she will not even speak with us. Many of you already know the story, but my wife and I were both laid off for over 6 months of this year, and although we are now working, we do not make the kind of wages where we can afford to send her to some camp or private school.

Anybody? My wife and I are on the edge, and after 2 years of progressive disobedient and out of control behavior we are out of ideas and options. The police don't even want to keep dealing with it. This is not an abused child, and if anything we over-indulged her (like many a story that has been told), but we are serioulsy dying inside, and seem to have nowhere to turn.

Anybody?

 

[Cole Trickle]

Sorry to hear that.....

Are you guys on speaking terms with the boyfriends parents? Are they cool/respectable people or are they dirt bags?

The reason she hasn't come home and paid for her actions is because someone is allowing her to live in there house with no rules or consequenses. If her BF's parents would do the right thing and contact you and then set up a meeting because she can't stay there anymore they would be doing her a huge favor by teaching her that life is tough and running away from your issues just makes things worse.

If they continue to let her live there I think your in trouble. Maybe contact the school or her friends parents that might have soem influence.

How old is her boyfriend? I would make sure his parents know that you will be contacting the authorities ASAP when he turns 18 (statutory rape) if she dosent come home.

Good luck......

I went through something similar when I was about 17. It was never about drugs or booze just a controling father and his desire to take everything that I had worked for (car,drivers lic,etc...) because my grades were not up to par...... I did the right thing and went home

 

[Abc123]

Tough call. Have you talked to the other parents, what are they like? Losers is what I would think.... How old is the boyfriend?

Will the cops throw her in Juvinial Hall for a few weeks? Maybe that will wake her up.

I ran away when I was 16 and went to my buddies house for three weeks during the summer. I had a similiar situation that Cole Pickle did. No drugs or Drinking, just would get put down all of the time even though I was always involved in sports, had a 3.0 or higher and worked. I eventually went home, then moved in with a different relative and finished out school. My mother and I get along great now.

 

[strippoker]

amigo sent you a PM hope it helps.

 

[YoPengo]

I have a nineteen-year-old daughter and all I can tell you is… don’t stop fighting for her. Never give in, never give up and never quit trying to guide her to the right path. At this age telling her to do or not do something does not work. She thinks she knows it ALL already. What worked for us was what I call “planting seeds” subtle guidance, or ideas that are “planted” and left alone. She has to figure it out on her own (works on the wife too). You really need to ditch the anger because that just drives them away and burns bridges. She has to know that she has a place to come back to. She also has to accept the rules at home. Sitting them down and let them tell you what they believe to be reasonable (rules and chores) at home usually works. It is amazing when my kids do something wrong and I discuss with them what they think their punishment should be… it us usually much worse than what I would do. You also have to remember that they go through these economic times as hard if not harder than you and your wife. They feel a burden on the family and have a lot of guilt. High school is very stressful especially for girls.

You need to get here side of the story. She is turning to influences outside of the family because she feels she is not understood, not respected, not listened to. Make he a partner in the home. Make everything clear (difficult with women). Treat her like a young adult that at times needs a kick in the pants and at others needs to feel like an adult. Last thing… Do Not Micro Manage her Life! Give her a chance to fail and work through things on her own (she knows that she screwed up and doesn’t need to hear it over and over). Work on what is next… not the past.

Sorry for the novel… but your going to hear allot of “grab her by the hair and make her listen”… crap.

John

 

[Skyskier]

Back in the '80's my then 12 yr. old son came to live full time with us at the ranch,...........at 14 HE decided life was better living with his mother in a cave in the hills of Santa Barbara. The boy had EVERY opputunity that his 2 sisters had but that wasn't good enough for him. Me & Mrs. Skyskier made several trips to SB to bail him out of juvy, all to NO avail. At 16 yrs. of age your daughter has made her choices and there is NOTHING you and your wife can do to change her mind. She's living the so called "free" life, no parental control, no curfew etc., etc. The last time we saw the boy I gave him 2 choices,.............come back to the ranch, finish high school and I'd sign for him to join the Army OR 2. stay in Juvy & take his chances,...........................he took choice # 2., AND to this day, I sleep like a baby at night
Looking back on it, I KNOW it would have been a lot tougher if it was my daughter.
Good Luck,
Skyskier

 

[Mike.A]

Really feel for ya on this one. Hopefully my 15 year old stays on the path she is on and doesn't go off.
Can't give you any advice on the parent side but my sister did this same shit when we were growing up. My mom did everything you are thinking about, legal and not so legal ways of changing the path she was on but it never stopped. Hopefully she will grow out of this before any real damage is done.

 

[Cole Trickle]

Tough call. Have you talked to the other parents, what are they like? Losers is what I would think.... How old is the boyfriend?

Will the cops throw her in Juvinial Hall for a few weeks? Maybe that will wake her up.

I ran away when I was 16 and went to my buddies house for three weeks during the summer. I had a similiar situation that Cole Pickle did. No drugs or Drinking, just would get put down all of the time even though I was always involved in sports, had a 3.0 or higher and worked. I eventually went home, then moved in with a different relative and finished out school. My mother and I get along great now.

Maybe your mom and my dad can date...haha:skull

My dad and I almost came to blows in the front yard when I was 15y/o. I chose to take a higher path and left and moved in with my mom that had a dick head husband...lol My dad did everything he could to continue to control me. My mom had to sign for me to get my drivers lic. becuse he was gonna make me wait until I was 18. When he found out I got my lic. and bought a $2000 car from working as a dish washer he tried to take my car/lic. becuse they werent in his name he couldn't do much...haha

We were not on speaking terms for 80% of my high school carreer

 

[zhandfull]

Hardest thing you and the wife will ever go through. My only advice is don't enable the lifestyle she has chosen. No cars, no money, no nothing. only the welcome mat if she wants to come home under your rules.

Yes I have been through it and me and my 23 year old daugther have a pretty good relationship now.

 

[Racey]

I have a nineteen-year-old daughter and all I can tell you is… don’t stop fighting for her. Never give in, never give up and never quit trying to guide her to the right path. At this age telling her to do or not do something does not work. She thinks she knows it ALL already. What worked for us was what I call “planting seeds” subtle guidance, or ideas that are “planted” and left alone. She has to figure it out on her own (works on the wife too). You really need to ditch the anger because that just drives them away and burns bridges. She has to know that she has a place to come back to. She also has to accept the rules at home. Sitting them down and let them tell you what they believe to be reasonable (rules and chores) at home usually works. It is amazing when my kids do something wrong and I discuss with them what they think their punishment should be… it us usually much worse than what I would do. You also have to remember that they go through these economic times as hard if not harder than you and your wife. They feel a burden on the family and have a lot of guilt. High school is very stressful especially for girls.

You need to get here side of the story. She is turning to influences outside of the family because she feels she is not understood, not respected, not listened to. Make he a partner in the home. Make everything clear (difficult with women). Treat her like a young adult that at times needs a kick in the pants and at others needs to feel like an adult. Last thing… Do Not Micro Manage her Life! Give her a chance to fail and work through things on her own (she knows that she screwed up and doesn’t need to hear it over and over). Work on what is next… not the past.

Sorry for the novel… but your going to hear allot of “grab her by the hair and make her listen”… crap.

John

:thumbsup Spot on

 

[Tremor Therapy]

Yopengo...much of what you have typed hits home. She started down a bizarre path in middle school. From straight A student to D's and F's. We could never figure out why, but tried to help, get counseling and encouragement. But after 3 years of failing grades, the patience wore thin, and we started to ask why.

She has been treated like an adult for many years, and has had the opportunity to make adult choices. She will go to strangers homes and be the nicest person anyone had ever met, and curse and treat us and our home like crap. For the past 2 years her rules were: get up and go to school, get passing grades, be in by 10pm M-F and 11pm on the weekends. Thats it, nothing else. But this has been too restrictive, and she has let us know it!

The cops just picked her up at school and my wife is going to get her. They called my wife and she asked to speak with our daughter, my daughter said out loud, "tell Satan (my wife) not to bother, she would rather live on the streets." The office could not even believe what and how she said it.

If you would have taken that emotional call from your wife, you would want to go kill someone! My wifes heart is as big as all day, and she would give up anything and everything for this child to just be happy.

 

[Tremor Therapy]

One of the bizarre twists to this tale is that the mother of her boyfriend and I spoke at length one night about kids, and she freely told me about the drugs and run-away issues she had with her son. That she would go searching for him and drag him away from all these people and situations, and after 2 years he is finally back on track....Uh-huh, okay.

So the day my daughter went missing we called her to ask if she had seen my daughter, and she asked us what we were acusing her of, and then changed and unlisted their phone numbers. What kind of parents take in someone elses child, and for 3 weeks+ makes no attempt to contact them? Society has changed, maybe passed me by, and if this is what it is to become, I don't want any part of it.

 

[YoPengo]

If she is like my daughter she will say what ever it takes to “win”. She wants to win by hurting you and your wife and making you two feel guilty. At that point just tell her you love her regardless of how she treats her parents. When things calm down you will need to sit her down and tell her that can not disrespect your wife…. ever. There is a really strange mother daughter dynamic that is hard to grasp… I still don’t get it. She is looking for and expecting a reaction…. Don’t give her the satisfaction. You have to out wit the lil shits.

Hang in there brother. I know how you feel.

 

[Riverbound]

If you would have taken that emotional call from your wife, you would want to go kill someone! My wifes heart is as big as all day, and she would give up anything and everything for this child to just be happy.

Maybe that is part of the problem? My parents always raised me with the mentality that they are not my friends and their job is to raise me to be a good person and then later in life we can be friends. My parents were strict with me but also were very fair and rules were rules. now that I am older I am very close to my parents and appreciate them being "assholes" to me back when I needed it. I know it sounds harsh but your daughter needs to see the consequences of her actions and what her potential future could look like. My brother spent 3 days in jail as a kid out of "tough love" and to this day he says that was a turning point in his life, he saw which way he was heading and did not like it.

 

[Lue]

Yopengo...much of what you have typed hits home. She started down a bizarre path in middle school. From straight A student to D's and F's. We could never figure out why, but tried to help, get counseling and encouragement. But after 3 years of failing grades, the patience wore thin, and we started to ask why.

She has been treated like an adult for many years, and has had the opportunity to make adult choices. She will go to strangers homes and be the nicest person anyone had ever met, and curse and treat us and our home like crap. For the past 2 years here rules were: get up and go to school, get passing grades, be in by 10pm M-F and 11pm on the weekends. Thats it, nothing else. But this has been too restrictive, and she has let us know it!

The cops just picked her up at school and my wife is going to get her. They called my wife and she asked to speak with our daughter, my daughter said out loud, "tell Satan (my wife) not to bother, she would rather live on the streets." The office could not even believe what and how she said it.

If you would have taken that emotional call from your wife, you would want to go kill someone! My wifes heart is as big as all day, and she would give up anything and everything for this child to just be happy.

How are the boyfriend's parents? Are they open to helping you with your daughter by not allowing her to stay at their house? How old is the boyfriend? Is there any charges you can pursue for either your daughter or the boyfriend? Even if they are misdemeanor-juvenile charges, perhaps a week or two in juvenile hall would wake her up. It sounds like you have a very strong willed daughter. Maybe a little tough love is what she needs right now. She obviously unafraid of you and your wife's consequences for her. Perhaps some real life consequences will put her back on a positive path. That sounds really awful for a parent to consider this and probably heart wrenching to go thru that but she's your daughter. The world is lot more cruel than one's family. Sorry to hear about your situation my friend. Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[Big Warlock]

Anyone have any experience with these so called "camps" up in the mountains where they send troubled kids? I know it's rough but maybe that is a possible solution?

 

[lebel409]

I wasn't nearly as rebelious as you daughter seems, but in high school after my folks divorce I was living with my mom. That was OK, but she got religion and tried to get me to go to church. I went a few times, got tired of being sentenced to hell, and chose not to go back.

Every sunday she kept "offering" to let me go to church...no thanks, mom. And again...and again...pouring on the guilt...

I tried talking to her, but it wasn't sinking in. So I moved in with my dad. I know it really hurt my mom, but I didn't see a choice and she didn't hear what I was saying.

I agree with keeping your standards. Nothing seems unreasonable.

Is there and aunt or uncle that she could live with...family with similar values? That might get you out of the middle and let the relationship work itself out...Sometimes it's not what's said but who's saying it.

 

[YoPengo]

What kind of parents take in someone elses child, and for 3 weeks+ makes no attempt to contact them? Society has changed, maybe passed me by, and if this is what it is to become, I don't want any part of it.

You would be surprised. Remember the story she is telling them does not match yours or the truth. When/ If you talk to them again make sure they know your side of the story, your beliefs, your expectations.

There is always your daughters side, you and your wifes side and the truth. We all skew the truth to make our side more believable.

 

[OCMerrill]

My Daughter is 10 and this thread scares the shit out of we. Our family is close and the wife and I are trying to keep it that way. Even at 10 she is a handful. Something I never really expected.

Good luck with this TT. I am reading some great responses. I have nothing to contribute so I will stay in learning mode.

 

[RiverDave]

Anyone have any experience with these so called "camps" up in the mountains where they send troubled kids? I know it's rough but maybe that is a possible solution?

I know several people that sent their kids to them.. In some rare cases it worked out. In others most fell right back into the old habbits sometimes even worse..

RD

 

[YoPengo]

Maybe that is part of the problem? My parents always raised me with the mentality that they are not my friends and their job is to raise me to be a good person and then later in life we can be friends. My parents were strict with me but also were very fair and rules were rules. now that I am older I am very close to my parents and appreciate them being "assholes" to me back when I needed it. I know it sounds harsh but your daughter needs to see the consequences of her actions and what her potential future could look like. My brother spent 3 days in jail as a kid out of "tough love" and to this day he says that was a turning point in his life, he saw which way he was heading and did not like it.

I agree…. But it is completely different for boys. You do not have the complete lack of logic that teenage girls have.


<<<<< may you all have daughters. :skull

 

[RiverDave]

Tremor Therapy, I have heard very good things about this program. It basically teaches you how to regain control. It's kinda pricey at 330.00 but if it works?? They have a 30 day free program as well, so if your not seeing any results send it back.


http://ratings.thetotaltransformati...oglegenhome3&gclid=CL_T-OLl3Z0CFSZdagodqShVNQ

RD

 

[Lue]

One of the bizarre twists to this tale is that the mother of her boyfriend and I spoke at length one night about kids, and she freely told me about the drugs and run-away issues she had with her son. That she would go searching for him and drag him away from all these people and situations, and after 2 years he is finally back on track....Uh-huh, okay.

So the day my daughter went missing we called her to ask if she had seen my daughter, and she asked us what we were acusing her of, and then changed and unlisted their phone numbers. What kind of parents take in someone elses child, and for 3 weeks+ makes no attempt to contact them? Society has changed, maybe passed me by, and if this is what it is to become, I don't want any part of it.

They're creating a safe haven for her by doing that obviously. Is there any form of legal action you can pursue towards them? By her being underage, can you impose a restraining order against them beng around your daughter? If she gets more mad at you, it will only be temporary.

 

[dezertrider]

I have a 12yo and 9 yo, I know this is coming for me soon.

I will have random drug testing with them. I have seen to many people from hero to zero when doing drugs.

 

[YoPengo]

Anyone have any experience with these so called "camps" up in the mountains where they send troubled kids? I know it's rough but maybe that is a possible solution?

Not a big believer in these because your not addressing the issues (mostly communication).

Guess what folks… it is tough being a parent. It’s our obligation to do a good job. If it gets hard… man the fuck up and deal with it.

Too many parents want to medicate, ship off or blame someone else for their troubles.


<<<< Thinks he is standing on his soap box allot today.

 

[YoPengo]

Tremor Therapy, I have heard very good things about this program. It basically teaches you how to regain control. It's kinda pricey at 330.00 but if it works?? They have a 30 day free program as well, so if your not seeing any results send it back.


http://ratings.thetotaltransformati...oglegenhome3&gclid=CL_T-OLl3Z0CFSZdagodqShVNQ

RD

Fuck that… ill teach you everything I know about parenting over a pitcher of beer. :drnkfr

 

[Abc123]

Maybe your mom and my dad can date...haha:skull

My dad and I almost came to blows in the front yard when I was 15y/o. I chose to take a higher path and left and moved in with my mom that had a dick head husband...lol My dad did everything he could to continue to control me. My mom had to sign for me to get my drivers lic. becuse he was gonna make me wait until I was 18. When he found out I got my lic. and bought a $2000 car from working as a dish washer he tried to take my car/lic. becuse they werent in his name he couldn't do much...haha

We were not on speaking terms for 80% of my high school carreer

LOL! She's still single!

Pretty much the same thing here. I got a job, paid for my own permit, behind, drivers ed, lic and etc had my gma sign the papers and bought my first car working the drive thru at Del Taco. That really pissed her off. Then since I had my own money I didnt really need her, so taking that control away from her really pissed her off. Ended up getting really bad! She started giving me a 6pm curfew on weeknights, unless working or playing baseball or running xcountry. So that didnt work, then she wouldnt let me go out on the weekends. Would drive around town trying to hunt me down at my friends houses if I did anyways. Or would call the cops and beg them to arrest me for not following her rules.. I would tell the cops what I had going for myself and they pretty much stopped coming by. She would show up at my friends houses and tell them how horrible of a person I am and that their kids shouldnt hang with me.. didnt work, all my friends parents loved me. lol ..So I finally left. One night she showed up at the Ayso field, I was working the snack bar to help my friends little bro's team. She picked me up and stared yelling at me, so at a red light I jumped out of her car and took the bus to my grandmas house. She had no clue where I was for a few days, then I picked up my car and went to my buddies house for a while, they wanted to adopt me! LOL... A few weeks later I eneded up moving in with the grandparents 15 miles away. It worked out. Took us a long time, but me and mom get along now.

 

[BarryMac]

I agree…. But it is completely different for boys. You do not have the complete lack of logic that teenage girls have.


<<<<< may you all have daughters. :skull

Yeap, boys you knock around then they listen, girls it's all emotions.

Sorry TT, I feel your pain, hopefully she will come to her senses and understand that you aren't the enemy, keep doing what you're doing...


No one will ever hurt you as bad as your kids...

 

[RiverDave]

Fuck that… ill teach you everything I know about parenting over a pitcher of beer. :drnkfr

I have a theory about parenting.. But it has to start at a real young age.

My theory is "the more responsibillity you give your kids, the more responsible they will be."


If their outta control, or fall into a bad crowd or etc.. sometimes a little help from a professional makes a big difference. I have heard good things about this program, and people are seeiing results almost instantly. Why not give it a try?

RD

 

[cxr]

My Daughter is 10 and this thread scares the shit out of we. Our family is close and the wife and I are trying to keep it that way. Even at 10 she is a handful. Something I never really expected.

Good luck with this TT. I am reading some great responses. I have nothing to contribute so I will stay in learning mode.

my daughter is 4 and this thread is scaring the shit outta me!!!
I do have some experience , our son is 18 and we kept a strict leash and he is doing well and in college now.

But i can already see a girl is a whole different creature than our son was.

 

[OCMerrill]

Not a big believer in these because your not addressing the issues (mostly communication).

Guess what folks… it is tough being a parent. It’s our obligation to do a good job. If it gets hard… man the fuck up and deal with it.

Too many parents want to medicate, ship off or blame someone else for their troubles.


<<<< Thinks he is standing on his soap box allot today.

:thumbsup:thumbsup

 

[Riverbound]

LOL! She's still single!

really?? :hmm :hmm :hmm

 

[No Butt No Putt]

TT. Im by no means a parent and will probly never be one. But Like Billdo said. I was raised the same way. If I was in your shoes and she doesnt and wont come home. Make life like hell for her. Drop her out of school. Let her get arrested and spend a couple days in Juvy. It might start to sink in after 3-6 days what she can expect if she continues to act this way. My parents were tough on me and my sister as kids. But I would not change it for anything in the world. I was booted out 2 days after I turned 18 and never went back untill about 3 months ago im now 29. Now my parents are mine and my little sisters best friends.

I think the best thing for her is some time locked up. I dont think camps that you cant afford are going to help, and the parents of her boyfriend arent making life any easier for you and the wife. I know that time in jail is not what you want to hear for your little girl. But it might do some good.

 

[MoVal Tim]

TT,

I have never been in your situation but I can offer this for you and your wife, for what it's worth.

If my wife is being overwhelmed with a problem that she feels that she just can't fix and she reaches a point at which she just can't deal with it any more, I have to take it off her plate, so to speak. I have to tell her to let it go and let Me deal with it. It is no longer her issue to deal with day to day, only mine. I will let her know when I have some progress, and then she can rejoin me in the issue again if she wants.

Whoever said this was right, that women, and especially women when dealing with their daughters, are so much more emotional than us men. Not always, but usually. If you can both deal with this together, great. But sometimes I feel that I am better at dealing with such emotional issues than she is.

Regarding your daughter;
If you can lay out the welcome mat, yet let her go to figure it out for herself, would be the simplest path. Probably easier said than done, though.

I think that someone needs to talk to the boyfriends' parents and let them know how wrong they are in enabling your daughter to go down a path where there are no repurcussions for her actions....not parental punishment, legal punishment, or any other. They're allowing her to go down a path to lawlessness, where she feels that there is no authority that she has to answer to. It's just not right. Not right for her now, not right for her as an employee in the work environment, not right if she were an employer. No matter who you are, you have to answer to someone every day and you have to treat people with respect.

I may not be the wisest when it comes to raising kids. I have made mistakes, as everyone probably has. In the end, I think that the golden rule still carries more weight than any other.
I tell my kids that they have to treat people as well as they themselves want to be treated. And it doesn't hurt to throw in something about "would you let your kids do what you are trying to do?". Put them in your shoes. Hopefully their sense of reason and the values that you have instilled in them shines through in a moment of clarity.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[SBjet]

, perhaps a week or two in juvenile hall would wake her up. .

Good.

Is there and aunt or uncle that she could live with...family with similar values? That might get you out of the middle and let the relationship work itself out...Sometimes it's not what's said but who's saying it.

Also Good.

There have been people who chain the kid up at home, deliver the kid to school in manacles, etc.
Depends on the kid.
Couldn't hurt to have her work with crack babies for a while either.
I feel for ya, good luck.

 

[Mr.Puck]

The thing I taught my son was...If you act like an asshole your going to get treated like an asshole! :skull We are the parents, you are the kid. It is our job to be the parent until you are eighteen.

They all test us, and know exactly how to push our buttons. I also taught my son that stuff that seems important in high school, isn't really that important. After high school everybody goes there different ways. It is up to you to decide what kind of life style you want. Do you want nice cars , a house, fun toy's, or do you want to live in a van down by the river and be a bum...(L.A. River)

Try to use some examples of relatives/friends or whoever, who's life's are a little more challenging than yours. Lives that they put them self in there own predicament. (dui's, drugs, jail) Show her some F' up photos of what could happen to her...Tough Love! She will thank you later in life.

Good Luck to you and your wife, Keep fighting for her!

 

[H20MOFO]

I wasn't going to tell my story because it doesn't have a very good ending. I don't think there is a text book answer here because every child is different. I have a step son, I'm the only father he's ever known. Same type of story, didn't like the "rules" at home. Ran away, ended up at his best friends house. At first we were freaked out called the mom(no dad) tried to tell her she isn't helping anybody. Drug his ass home a few times, ran away the same night. Sooooo we decide o.k. if he wants to be a looser, live like a looser, be broke like a looser. We'll let him, we both thought he'd figure it out in time. There isn't enough hours in the day to list all of his dumbassness since then. He was 15 at the time. About a year ago (at age 20) all of his chit came crashing down. Unpaid speeding ticket gone warrant,trespass ticket gone warrant, auto theft charge= warrant. He's in and out of jail, I told him his whole life you go to jail don't call me I won't help. With out getting to descriptive he lands a full blown rape charge. Cliff note version he aledgedly put his hand down a16 year old girls pants. He spends 2 months in jail and it "seemed" at that point he had learned a lesson. We bailed him out the day before thanks giving. Since then we've sunk 2.5k into a atty. another 2.5k into bail. He breaks into our home when were not home and steals anything he can pawn. He hasn't changed of learned on f'n thing from all of it. I'm done, and wish I'd never lifted a finger for him. He WILL be back in jail. I can't help him, he needs to learn how to help himself. Do I wonder if I should have handled it diferently, of course. Do I know WHAT I'd have done differently? No. It's a real kick in the nuts feeling. Aparenty he hasn't found "bottom" yet. It's a helpless feeling. Good luck.

 

[Tremor Therapy]

To answer a few questions, I have 3 daughters, they were all different, but they are very different than boys. I had two brothers, and the knock in the head scenario worked for us. For those of you without girls, you haven't experienced the joys of parenting until you have one (or three).

The world has changed, and kids are different than we were. She has an uncle that has been in and out of drug re-hab, and she worships him. My wife and I have both given her examples of people who have succeeded and those who have not (her 50 year old homeless uncle), and she just keeps saying to watch, she will show us.

The family that she was staying with know what they were doing, and the police officers wish that there was something they could do. In todays world, unless they are giving her drugs, alcohol, or not letting her go to school, there is nothing that can legally be done. Running away is not a crime, and if they are not doing one of the three things mentioned, there is no contributing to the deliquency of a minor....just a missing person. As far as the statutory rape dealio, if she is not a willing vicitm, one that will press charges, there is nothing as a parent that I can do.

My daughter had responsibility her entire life, and has chosen when to be responsible and when not to be. I have learned a lot about what the legal system offers parents, and the laws in this state are just not there to assist parents...kids yes, parents no.

Believe me, I would keep fighting this fight until she turned 18, but my wife and my son just don't have it in them anymore. I was just talking with my son last weekend, and he said, "dad, I hate my sister so much for what she has done to our family that if I ever see her again I am going to punch her in the mouth." Take that from your 12 year old son with tears in his eyes, and rationalize her behavior. My wife is so tired of fighting with her that she doesn't really want to fight it anymore, and my daughter knows this. For the past 3 months I have taken the flag by myself, and have tried to fight the good fight. In fact, the Sunday before she ran away, I picked her up from said boyfriends house, we had a great conversation on the way home, talking about music, school, maybe going dirt bike riding the upcoming weekend, and looked forward to seeing each other at dinner the next day!

The last time my wife and daughter actually spoke, my daughter tried to tell her that the reason she left was because of how I treated my wife, and how could my wife stand it. My wife was absolutley astonished at the manipulation my daughter was trying to spin. She told me this and asked me what goes through kids heads nowadays?

And to answer Dave's suggestion about the Tapes he listed...yes I have them already, but if the guy would stop stroking himself for how great he is, and spend half that time on his program, they would mention about 90% of what we have already tried in raising our kids. Many times he mentions make them responsible for consequences and don't let them control the situation. But the law can't help you, and they know it.

 

[Flying_Lavey]

To answer a few questions, I have 3 daughters, they were all different, but they are very different than boys. I had two brothers, and the knock in the head scenario worked for us. For those of you without girls, you haven't experienced the joys of parenting until you have one (or three).

The world has changed, and kids are different than we were. She has an uncle that has been in and out of drug re-hab, and she worships him. My wife and I have both given her examples of people who have succeeded and those who have not (her 50 year old homeless uncle), and she just keeps saying to watch, she will show us.

The family that she was staying with know what they were doing, and the police officers wish that there was something they could do. In todays world, unless they are giving her drugs, alcohol, or not letting her go to school, there is nothing that can legally be done. Running away is not a crime, and if they are not doing one of the three things mentioned, there is no contributing to the deliquency of a minor....just a missing person. As far as the statutory rape dealio, if she is not a willing vicitm, one that will press charges, there is nothing as a parent that I can do.

My daughter had responsibility her entire life, and has chosen when to be responsible and when not to be. I have learned a lot about what the legal system offers parents, and the laws in this state are just not there to assist parents...kids yes, parents no.

Believe me, I would keep fighting this fight until she turned 18, but my wife and my son just don't have it in them anymore. I was just talking with my son last weekend, and he said, "dad, I hate my sister so much for what she has done to our family that if I ever see her again I am going to punch her in the mouth." Take that from your 12 year old son with tears in his eyes, and rationalize her behavior. My wife is so tired of fighting with her that she doesn't really want to fight it anymore, and my daughter knows this. For the past 3 months I have taken the flag by myself, and have tried to fight the good fight. In fact, the Sunday before she ran away, I picked her up from said boyfriends house, we had a great conversation on the way home, talking about music, school, maybe going dirt bike riding the upcoming weekend, and looked forward to seeing each other at dinner the next day!

The last time my wife and daughter actually spoke, my daughter tried to tell her that the reason she left was because of how I treated my wife, and how could my wife stand it. My wife was absolutley astonished at the manipulation my daughter was trying to spin. She told me this and asked me what goes through kids heads nowadays?

And to answer Dave's suggestion about the Tapes he listed...yes I have them already, but if the guy would stop stroking himself for how great he is, and spend half that time on his program, they would mention about 90% of what we have already tried in raising our kids. Many times he mentions make them responsible for consequences and don't let them control the situation. But the law can't help you, and they know it.

If your daughter is below 18 she is not of age to consent to sexual acts. Period. Yes, you as the father and legal guardian have every right to press charges. The only thing though is proving that they did in fact have sex.

 

[Cole Trickle]

To answer a few questions, I have 3 daughters, they were all different, but they are very different than boys. I had two brothers, and the knock in the head scenario worked for us. For those of you without girls, you haven't experienced the joys of parenting until you have one (or three).

The world has changed, and kids are different than we were. She has an uncle that has been in and out of drug re-hab, and she worships him. My wife and I have both given her examples of people who have succeeded and those who have not (her 50 year old homeless uncle), and she just keeps saying to watch, she will show us.

The family that she was staying with know what they were doing, and the police officers wish that there was something they could do. In todays world, unless they are giving her drugs, alcohol, or not letting her go to school, there is nothing that can legally be done. Running away is not a crime, and if they are not doing one of the three things mentioned, there is no contributing to the deliquency of a minor....just a missing person. As far as the statutory rape dealio, if she is not a willing vicitm, one that will press charges, there is nothing as a parent that I can do.

My daughter had responsibility her entire life, and has chosen when to be responsible and when not to be. I have learned a lot about what the legal system offers parents, and the laws in this state are just not there to assist parents...kids yes, parents no.

Believe me, I would keep fighting this fight until she turned 18, but my wife and my son just don't have it in them anymore. I was just talking with my son last weekend, and he said, "dad, I hate my sister so much for what she has done to our family that if I ever see her again I am going to punch her in the mouth." Take that from your 12 year old son with tears in his eyes, and rationalize her behavior. My wife is so tired of fighting with her that she doesn't really want to fight it anymore, and my daughter knows this. For the past 3 months I have taken the flag by myself, and have tried to fight the good fight. In fact, the Sunday before she ran away, I picked her up from said boyfriends house, we had a great conversation on the way home, talking about music, school, maybe going dirt bike riding the upcoming weekend, and looked forward to seeing each other at dinner the next day!

The last time my wife and daughter actually spoke, my daughter tried to tell her that the reason she left was because of how I treated my wife, and how could my wife stand it. My wife was absolutley astonished at the manipulation my daughter was trying to spin. She told me this and asked me what goes through kids heads nowadays?

And to answer Dave's suggestion about the Tapes he listed...yes I have them already, but if the guy would stop stroking himself for how great he is, and spend half that time on his program, they would mention about 90% of what we have already tried in raising our kids. Many times he mentions make them responsible for consequences and don't let them control the situation. But the law can't help you, and they know it.

Sad deal......

I know how stuff like this can effect you. You two have been through a ton with the job loss,etc... and I imagine this is making it 10X harder.

My family has always had issues one way or another.......Were not the jeffersons by a long stretch (parents have been divorced 5x combined)

Based on what your saying your done with it....Some times that is the best route let her prove she is a big girl and can make it without you. 2 Things can happen either she wakes the fuck up or she turns into a looser like her uncle and the rest of the druggies I have ever met.

Drop her out of school.....

Pray she dosen't get pregnant until married....

Send the mom that is watching her a couple dollars a month for food....

Send your daughter cards on her birthday,X mas, random,etc... telling her you love her and the door is always open if she wants to choose the right path.

Continue your life work on your marriage (being happy) and raise your 12 year old

 

[whiteworks]

Anyone have any experience with these so called "camps" up in the mountains where they send troubled kids? I know it's rough but maybe that is a possible solution?

My Cousin went to one at age 16, $30K and 2 months in the woods in Utah and he can now make a fire with sticks and stones. At the time his parents were freaked and IMO they overreacted and shipped him off. The reality is he was fucking with them just to fuck with them and it back fired on him. I'll admit it did give him some perspective and he backed off his parents a bit. Fast forward 5 years, he is in his senior year at SDSU and planning on attending law school. Let's just say I have had a lot of conversations with this kid over the years to guide him the best I could.

This 16 year old girl sounds like she is one pissed off cookie, IMO communication is the key. Time to have a sit down and find out what the issue is. If you have a relative that she respects this may be time to get them involved.

 

[Tishimself]

I was going to write something else on here, but these guys, they have much better advice than anything I could give you. So I will just say this. I hope you are able to find a modecom of peace and sanity in this most insane situation. Maybe, just maybe, time to turn to your son and wife and concentrate on them for a while. Get back to YOUR life, the bikes, maybe head out to Glamis, and concentrate on those things. Your back to work, your wife is still with you, your son sounds like a GREAT kid, and next year is going to be a better year for you...and maybe, contact a local Church with all of this...they have a different approach to these situations, maybe a different appraoch is something you need....best of luck to you, I will check back in every now and then to see if you are able to navigate through all of this...

 

[Bob Bitchen]

Sent you a PM.
I have experienced a similar issue with my daughter and I am dealing with the 10 year fall out at this time. Be happy to help.

 

[DaveC]

I cannot believe that the BF's parents are disrepecting you like that....:thumbsdown They are totalling enabling your child to not face any consequences for her disobedience . Kids have to learn there are consequences for their bad behavior.

Its your responsibility to raise your child and if need be, discipline. Now they take that away from you. WTF??!?

You need to have a conversation with them. What gives them the right to do something like this to you?? Nothing. Are they going to discipline her? What are their rules of the house? Attend school, get good grades, no drugs/alcohol? What's their take??

If they are going to take responsibility away from you then they should be prepared to pay for the consequences of her behavior. (i.e. care and maintenence of her) and god forbid a child. Maybe a list of those consequences that THEY will be paying for is in order. They should be responsible for care, upkeep, bail, attorney's fees, rehab and if all goes well college. If they can't pay for all this then they should consider sending her back.

My BIL just went through something like this, just not as bad. The kid finally turned 18 and got the boot and is getting a taste of real life. She just learned at the age of 18 that she does not in fact know everything.

best of luck to you and your family.

 

[OutCole'd]

Sad deal......

I know how stuff like this can effect you. You two have been through a ton with the job loss,etc... and I imagine this is making it 10X harder.

My family has always had issues one way or another.......Were not the jeffersons by a long stretch (parents have been divorced 5x combined)

Based on what your saying your done with it....Some times that is the best route let her prove she is a big girl and can make it without you. 2 Things can happen either she wakes the fuck up or she turns into a looser like her uncle and the rest of the druggies I have ever met.

Drop her out of school.....

Pray she dosen't get pregnant until married....

Send the mom that is watching her a couple dollars a month for food....

Send your daughter cards on her birthday,X mas, random,etc... telling her you love her and the door is always open if she wants to choose the right path.

Continue your life work on your marriage (being happy) and raise your 12 year old

X2

Sad deal, I hope I never have to go through this with my 14 year old daughter.

Best of luck to you TT.

 

[DaveC]

BTW did you post the results of any conversation you had with the other parents? (if any) I'm wondering what they said?


If you can't get any sort of "resolution" from the other family, maybe you should consider getting together with the "new family" and discussing some "rules" and come to terms with them.

Hopefully you can get on the same page as the new family and hopefully they will enforce the rules that the two sets of parents agree to. Just explain to them what you expect and what is important, no more, no less.

I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable and they should accept those as the rules. Then tell them you want to check up on the progress every once in awhile.

If they actually follow thru the little brat will realize that she can't get away with playing one side against the other. :skull

Like someone said above you gotta out-smart these little fawkers...

 

[sdpm]

Hi TT, first off I am very sorry for the situtation you and your wife are in with your daughter. We have 2 daughters 17 and 11 and we went through something kind of like this last year with our 17 yo (16 at the time). High school is a very hard time on some teenagers and it seems that it is much harder on girls than it is guys from what i am starting to understand. Lots of peer pressure. Girls are flat out brutal on each other and it seems to really affect them both at school as well as at home and life in general. My Space, Facebook, cell phone texting and all these other computer and phone communication systems don't help the matter either (as we later found out). I didn't understand what the hell was happening to her! My little girl was turning into a monster and it was killing me and my wife. In the very short version, I truely didn't understand what was going on and we didn't talk about the things that were important to her. All I was doing was getting frustrated and mad not understanding what "her" issues were. Alot of going to bed with tears in our eyes. She has alot of my trates and I don't know if that is a good thing or bad, but she is my everything and it was killing me. One day I asked her if she would fly somewhere with just me for the weekend and she said yes she would. Best thing I ever did. We both got away from everything around us and had some great talks. I told her stuff that she never knew and vice versa. I think we both learned alot about each other in those 2 days together. I never realized how big of an influence I (dad) was in her life. I took alot for granted to say the least.

My little advice that I can give you is to (like others have said) don't give up! If she won't talk to mom, maybe she will open up to you. They have alot to say and it may not be what you want to hear but you really need to listen with both ears. Just be there for her and make sure she knows that. She is part of you and you are part of her. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[mike37]

all I can say is find a boot came type school that will lock here down

you have already lost here so don't feel like doing that will make here not want to come home
cus she already don't
if you don't get here away from the boy friend and his influence now it may be imposable later
act now
and don't feel bad that shes locked away at school for 3 to 6 Mont's

 

[Cole Trickle]

Hi TT, first off I am very sorry for the situtation you and your wife are in with your daughter. We have 2 daughters 17 and 11 and we went through something kind of like this last year with our 17 yo (16 at the time). High school is a very hard time on some teenagers and it seems that it is much harder on girls than it is guys from what i am starting to understand. Lots of peer pressure. Girls are flat out brutal on each other and it seems to really affect them both at school as well as at home and life in general. My Space, Facebook, cell phone texting and all these other computer and phone communication systems don't help the matter either (as we later found out). I didn't understand what the hell was happening to her! My little girl was turning into a monster and it was killing me and my wife. In the very short version, I truely didn't understand what was going on and we didn't talk about the things that were important to her. All I was doing was getting frustrated and mad not understanding what "her" issues were. Alot of going to bed with tears in our eyes. She has alot of my trates and I don't know if that is a good thing or bad, but she is my everything and it was killing me. One day I asked her if she would fly somewhere with just me for the weekend and she said yes she would. Best thing I ever did. We both got away from everything around us and had some great talks. I told her stuff that she never knew and vice versa. I think we both learned alot about each other in those 2 days together. I never realized how big of an influence I (dad) was in her life. I took alot for granted to say the least.

My little advice that I can give you is to (like others have said) don't give up! If she won't talk to mom, maybe she will open up to you. They have alot to say and it may not be what you want to hear but you really need to listen with both ears. Just be there for her and make sure she knows that. She is part of you and you are part of her. I wish you the best of luck.

I like the trip advise if she will go......

Being the youngest of 3 girls she might feel like she can't compete with her "perfect" sisters. What does she enjoy what is she passionate about?

She might be 100% opposite of her sisters...

 

[Tom Brown]

I feel rotten for you, TT.

I hope she realizes she is loved and will come back to re-engage in a relationship with you and your wife. It hasn't been long. Please don't give up hope.

I'm pulling for your whole family.