Funeral, Memorial, Celebration of life or what?

[v6toy4x]

the @aceinthehole thread on his grandma passing has got me wondering.

What do I do for my parents, they have decided to be cremated and buried with my sister in Maui, so that part is a done deal.
Each of them are the last of their siblings so all that is left, close to them, are nieces, nephews and some very elderly cousins
and I am their only remaining child.

My parents, myself, my wife, and our two adult sons live in Nor Cal and most everyone else is in Washington State or Oregon.
So a funeral or service means they all have to travel a fair distance?
It seems the only times we have seen many of them, recently, has been when someone dies.

So what do you do? It seems like no one really does the whole viewing open casket funeral deal anymore, thank god those can be so depressing.

I was thinking once the last one goes to pack them up for a road trip north and have a dinner somewhere so the remaining family doesn't have to travel.
I'll bring the dear departed to them!!

Or do me, my wife, and our two boys just take em over, bury them and have a small private deal?

If they had any remaining brothers or sisters or more children/grand children it would be different.

So, pack'em up and head north or head due west??

 

[havasujeeper]

When my sister died, her husband had her cremated, then had her ashes spread on the North Shore of Oahu. I was not invited and told it was for immediately family only. I guess a brother is not immediately family?
This hurt me immensely and Probably isn't aware that this pissed me off.
Consider inviting anyone and everyone, and if they can't afford it...well they were invited. No hurt feelings this way.

 

[lbhsbz]

Ask them what their wishes are...

My mom got sick and kept it a secret from me ... Dad organized a memorial at her burial (cremated....hole for the ashes). A handful of their friends knew, very few that hadn't fucked me over the years were there. I just sat quietly and attended as I figured was appropriate, shook hands, gave hugs, whatever anyone seemed to want as this wasn't the time to remind everyone what sort of assholes they've been over the years. Then it was over and we all went home.

Ask them what they want, ask them who they want to be there. If they're anything like my folks....there's a little phone book sitting somewhere....go through that and find names that sound familiar...write down the contact info. Folks they used to work with, went to college with, etc...

Do they go to the gym?....swing by and throw the guy at the desk $100 to keep an eye on things and pay attention to who your folks chat with...then share that with you.

Keep in touch with these folks...not just over the phone, but go see them...with your parents if it's possible. One will fall first, the other will be lonely....try and avert that. Organize dinners, lunches, whatever you can do with their friends....even if they don't want to, I've found that having a few bottles of good wine delivered makes everyone happy to see each other again.


Now, I'm different....If I know that it's coming, I'll piss away a bunch of money on a blown flatty and put into a cliff wall at 140+ ...the remaining shrapnel will dissolve in the river and nobody will know that anything ever happened...

If I don't have a prior warning...I don't want any sort of event....just cremate me, throw my ashes in a dumpster and move on with your lives.

 

[monkeyswrench]

I'd do a memorial deal with the family north, and invite them if they'd wish to travel. I'd discuss it with them, as it's pretty much on you to carry out their wishes.

Me, told my wife make fliers for a service on a Friday morning, so everyone gets a 3 day weekend. Meet on the bridge in Laughlin, and toss my ashes. Hit the buffet and the casinos. I'll be right where I want to be, and where my best family memories were...somewhere between Laughlin and Havasu!

 

[Riverbottom]

Same as Monkey. My wife knows, to take me for one last boat ride up river and toss me in the River.

 

[zhandfull]

My grandfather on dads side didn’t want anything. His three kids and us grandkids had one last barbecue in his backyard. That was the memorial. It was nice, Lot of stories I had never heard before. No time limits on use of the house and overall a nice memorable day.

My other grandfather had a nice service at a mortuary home. Lot of friends from Masonic Lodge, neighbors, and of course family in attendance. Funeral Honors for his time in the military, that was amazing.

I guess at the end of the day it can be whatever you make it. Not sure having the remains at the memorial is that important either.

 

[beerrun]

Wife and I want the kids to have a party no funeral home stuff just party and remember the good times and dump our ashes in the Florida keys together

 

[Singleton]

I made my mom and stepdad and my dad and stepmom document what they wanted when they turned 70. It was not a fun conversation, but needed to occur. I also ask every other year for them to update it. Everything is processed by the lawyer, so my sisters can’t argue about it when it occurs.

It started out as a big thing. Both now have changed to an immediate family meal and a small service. Who gets invited to the service and location of the service has changed multiple times. My mom this year said no need for service, she just wants her kids and grandkids together for a meal.

 

[LazyLavey]

My folks passed within 14 mos of each other. Both donated their bodies and cremated. Their wish was a party. Neither were religious

Unfortunately all their friends had passed before them. Family members had a dinner at their favorite Thai place and then an offshore memorial with ashes spread out of Channel Islands......

 

[rivermobster]

the @aceinthehole thread on his grandma passing has got me wondering.

What do I do for my parents, they have decided to be cremated and buried with my sister in Maui, so that part is a done deal.
Each of them are the last of their siblings so all that is left, close to them, are nieces, nephews and some very elderly cousins
and I am their only remaining child.

My parents, myself, my wife, and our two adult sons live in Nor Cal and most everyone else is in Washington State or Oregon.
So a funeral or service means they all have to travel a fair distance?
It seems the only times we have seen many of them, recently, has been when someone dies.

So what do you do? It seems like no one really does the whole viewing open casket funeral deal anymore, thank god those can be so depressing.

I was thinking once the last one goes to pack them up for a road trip north and have a dinner somewhere so the remaining family doesn't have to travel.
I'll bring the dear departed to them!!

Or do me, my wife, and our two boys just take em over, bury them and have a small private deal?

If they had any remaining brothers or sisters or more children/grand children it would be different.

So, pack'em up and head north or head due west??

Beach party in Maui. Invite everyone.

Nice bonfire on the beach should do it.

But don't dismiss having multiple events...

We did Pastors celebration of life on Saturday. Had it at an event hall. Casual dress, but chairs and a slideshow and that sorta stuff.

There Will be another event out in Glamis. Small group of peeps. At night. Small fire out in the dunes and smoke and alcohol will be involved.

Nothing wrong with having more than one event.

 

[sirbob]

When my sister died, her husband had her cremated, then had her ashes spread on the North Shore of Oahu. I was not invited and told it was for immediately family only. I guess a brother is not immediately family?
This hurt me immensely and Probably isn't aware that this pissed me off.
Consider inviting anyone and everyone, and if they can't afford it...well they were invited. No hurt feelings this way.

WTF??

How in the world could a brother not be considered immediate family!

I’m so sorry to hear this - I know how I would feel in that situation!

I hope you’ve been able to find peace with your sisters passing

 

[havasujeeper]

WTF??

How in the world could a brother not be considered immediate family!

I’m so sorry to hear this - I know how I would feel in that situation!

I hope you’ve been able to find peace with your sisters passing

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I try to tough it out, but deep inside, one minute I'm speaking to my sister, the next minute, she is gone. I didn't get to have closure, so it is rougher than I thought. I do know my sister's husband is one of the grand poohbah's of the Jehovah witness sect, so I chalk this up to that cult of people.

 

[monkeyswrench]

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I try to tough it out, but deep inside, one minute I'm speaking to my sister, the next minute, she is gone. I didn't get to have closure, so it is rougher than I thought. I do know my sister's husband is one of the grand poohbah's of the Jehovah witness sect, so I chalk this up to that cult of people.

I've tried be a live and let live guy the past 20 or so years. One of my Mom's best friends, for over 20 years, didn't attend her service. Her, being a J-dub, wouldn't attend any service or celebration not officiated by one of their own. Seemed a little less "Christian" than I'd thought.

FWIW, the pastor who officiated both parents services, as well as my wedding, was not from a church we attended, or the guy that came with the chapel. He was the drywall contractor who lived next door growing up. A friend of the family that knew us. He was a gentleman who I watched go through losing his young son to leukemia. A good man I knew, not just a spokesman for the church, trying to recruit.

 

[HBCraig]

Ask the what their wishes are. My Mom wanted a funeral then family to go back to the house. It was hard on my Dad
My Dad wants nothing to be done. Got to honor his wished

 

[Markus]

Don’t they have friends in Maui who might want to say goodbye?

in any case, ask them.

 

[jetboatperformance]

I want to be sent to Valhalla in a burning jet boat with a locked steering and wide open throttle .... No Tahitis must be a High line hull preferably super charged

 

[sirbob]

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I try to tough it out, but deep inside, one minute I'm speaking to my sister, the next minute, she is gone. I didn't get to have closure, so it is rougher than I thought. I do know my sister's husband is one of the grand poohbah's of the Jehovah witness sect, so I chalk this up to that cult of people.

Well that explains a lot. If you are not a member of their club, no matter what, you are an outsider…. Having dealt with my share of grief over the years, I know how important it is to grieve is a way that works for you. When that’s taken away for some body else’s reasons you have every right to have feelings that may be less than positive.

I know how I would feel in that scenario, however those feelings aren’t something that would be productive to share here. Each person has their own feelings and yours are valid.

I hope you can find the peace we all deserve when losing someone close to us.

 

[LuauLounge]

Same as Monkey. My wife knows, to take me for one last boat ride up river and toss me in the River.

That's my wife's idea, we're still working on the when I die part.

 

[rivermobster]

WTF??

How in the world could a brother not be considered immediate family!

I’m so sorry to hear this - I know how I would feel in that situation!

I hope you’ve been able to find peace with your sisters passing

What he said. ^^^

 

[MOUZER]

my kids know after i die creamation then wait a couple months then through a celebration of life party laugh remember eat and laugh some more ....remember when dad used to do stories.....no funeral no open casket i dont want to put them through that......

 

[DLC]

Maybe have a get together / BBQ on their Anniversary or close to it - Invite everyone - friends have the BEST stories…

give ample notice and do it up north - Road Trip !

 

[rivermobster]

Maybe have a get together / BBQ on their Anniversary or close to it - Invite everyone - friends have the BEST stories…

give ample notice and do it up north - Road Trip !

Speaking of stories...

One of the grandkids, interviewd my wife grandmother, quite a few years Before she passed.

Video interview.

She played it at the house, for the family, after the burial service.

The best part was when Gramma explained that she Actually had the hots for her husband's best friend, but he wasn't interested in her.

So she made due with my wife's grandfather.

Everyone in the house was Rolling!!



That interview was the Best idea Ever.

 

[SoCalDave]

Unfortunately for my wifes parents and grandmother (for reference, Grandma is always dad's mom, Granny is always moms mom) they didn't have a say so other than cremation. Her Grandma passed in theate 80's and her oldest son spread her ashes in the mountains near Outman shortly after. Fast forward to 2022, her parents had passed 10 years prior and she was ready to take them home. I have pictures but very personal for both of us. Unreal event I may share later in another thread...

 

[rmarion]

IMO

Have a Celebration of life party for each ... when the inevitable occurs ...

respect their wishes... plan out the Maui trip ahead. Bring your family... invite whomever wishes to attend... if they cant.. so be it... thats why the Party!!



I hope you don't mind my trip down memory lane... (if you want me to delete I will respect your wish)

my pops was in hospice... I already had his resting places picked out... but two more were added by Dad...

how I arrived with his resting places...
ny Oldman rode Harleys his whole life... he rode until he couldn't no more... I was with him. when he called uncle and said no more riding... he was 77 and passed at 81. ..

Oldman rode Sturgis many a times.. (I sux and never went... I wish I did... kicking myself right now)

my Mom and sis are buried in Newport Beach... extra family plot still available...

I asked the Oldman... ok, when the inevitable occurs... what are your wishes...

he looked at me... Son.. I don't give a F!! I'll be Dead!!!! LOL at that moment.. I had it all planned (so I thought)..

Cremation; spread ashes
a. Mom and Sis in N.B.
b. Sturgis.
c. West Virginia, with his Mom & Pops.. (Grandma and Grandpa)


so, Pops on hospice in his 2 bedroom apartment.... whole family on hand.. Pops holding court, having a Great time, talking with everyone... I'm pulling every bit of family info I can from him.. taking names and notes...
so, while everyone is there.. I tell the Oldman what my plans where, when the day arrives (I must of wanted his blessing) ... I ask him if there's anywhere else, he might like to rest.

Pops, looks at me... yep... Daytona Beach and Indy 500.... I look at him... WTF?? whats so special about those areas...
Pops.... his words: I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE!!!.

Enjoy....

No one gets out of here alive!!

GODBLESS

 

[TPC]

At celebrations of life I notice people the deceased did not like show up.

They are sorta non-invitational, open visitation kinda deals and that can be uncomfortable for loved ones who know why.

I’ve faced death and when it gets the drop on me and I tap out I will return to haunt those people.
Starting with my RDP ignore list.

 

[RogerThat99]

My Mom passed away last year in Colorado. My parents had only lived there for a few years. Most of their life was a small, close knit town in Northern California. My whole family lives in Colorado now.

She wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread on her friend's property in the Santa Cruz area. We decided to do a celebration of life in their home town because my parents knew everyone, and were very involved in sports in the town for close to 40 years. Then will go to Santa Cruz Area to spread her ashes. Not everyone will be able to make it to Santa Cruz.

Hawaii will make that challenging. Maybe have a celebration of life on the mainland, then whoever's wants to/can go to Hawaii can go.

I get the cost of travel with a family, combined with time away from work. The last couple of times I took my family to visit in Denver Area, airfair alone was about $3,000. If you have to rent a car and get hotel rooms, it goes way up from there.

 

[Loony Toon]

My wife passed in October last year. All close family and friends are now spread out across the states and not close. My son and daughter were able to get here within days after it happened. Everyone else was either older and could get here or had already used up personal time off for the year (grandkids). So we are planning a Celebration of Life and getting everyone's schedule of availability to have a good gathering and to be sure everyone that should be here are.
My wife's grandparents owned a Italian restaurant in Pomona in the 60's and she always remembered having family gatherings there. When we were married there was an Italian ristorante in Duarte that we frequented that reminded her of her grandparents place. When we made our wedding plans we had the wedding and reception there. So our plans are to have the Celebration at an Italian Restaurant here in town as soon as we can get everyone together.
Our plans have always been to keep this time low key and share it with close friends and family.

 

[DrunkenSailor]

I want an Irish wake set the casket up in my living room. People have to stay with me overnight. Everyone gets completely fucked up and the next morning put me in the ground with money to pay the ferryman.